Good morning and welcome to Summit Up, the world’s only daily column in a time warp.
Ever drive down to D-town and back in a single day – nay, a single morning?
We did. And as we sit here writing this at 10 p.m. Wednesday, we can’t help but feel like the day was so long it already feels like tomorrow. Or is it that the day started so early it already seems like yesterday?
This here’s an Angel Alert!! Angel Alert!! of the honest-injun variety. According to our field agent, Danny Lopez found a wallet in the Safeway parking lot. It belonged to a fella named Christopher. Danny brought the wallet over here to the Corporate Suites – who knows why – and Cathy, the pretty gal who greets folks here at the Upsidedown Dishwasher Building, made a few calls, found Christopher and wrapped up a happy ending.
Danny and Cathy get 1,000 karma points apiece, and our new-and-improved platinum-coated wing and halo set that’s guaranteed not to turn your skin green.
Dan, our favorite Summit Stage driver, sent us some material, and since it’s waaaaaaaay past our medication-determined bedtime, we’re going to share plenty of it with you and get out of here.
Dan says “bluenecks” are the opposite of “rednecks,” i.e. they’re a lot alike, but the blue kind come from north of the Mason-Dixon line. He says, you just might be a blueneck if:
n You think Heinz Ketchup is really SPICY.
n You would never stop to buy something somebody was cooking on the side of the road (e.g. boiled peanuts).
n You don’t have any problems pronouncing “Worcestershire sauce” correctly.
n For breakfast, you would prefer potatoes-au-gratin to grits.
n You don’t know what a moon pie is.
n You’ve never had an RC Cola.
n You’ve never, ever eaten okra – fried, boiled, or pickled.
n You eat fried chicken with a knife and fork.
n You have no idea what a polecat is.
n You would rather have your son become a lawyer than grow up to get his own TV fishing show.
n You have never planned your summer vacation around a gun-‘n-knife show.
n You think more money should go to important scientific research at your university than to pay the salary of the head football coach.
n You don’t even have one can of WD-40 somewhere around the house.
Bienvenidos a Thursday, ladies and bluenecks. We’re here to comfort you in your moment of need at
email@example.com, fax at (970) 668-0755 or just weep a bit into our voicemail at (970) 668-3998, ext. 237.
We’re out slowing time back down to its appropriate pace …
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