Copper. Happy travels! Love, Mom, Dad, Goblin and Won Ton.|Special to the Daily| |
Good morning and welcome to Summit Up, the world’s only daily column going on a hunger strike.
We figure, if people are ever going to mention us in the same sentence as Mahatma Gandhi, Martin Luther King, Jr. and Richard Simmons, we better get going on some politically oriented starvation.
Our cause? We don’t have one. You could say we’re the James Dean of hunger strikes.
Granted, this is probably only going to last as long as it takes for someone to wave a doughnut or a slab of bacon under our noses, but we’ll at least get our message out today.
And that message is, is there anything left out there in the world that’s safe to eat?
We were scratching our feathers this morning over this bird flu thing that’s got Asia in its clutches. In case you haven’t heard, they’re burning chickens over there like firewood.
So alarmed were we that we immediately fueled up the Summit Up Globetrotter Jet (think Wonder Woman’s craft, and, yes, we wear the same pilot’s uniform) and took off to Myanmar to investigate firsthand.
We’ll be darned if there weren’t chickens everywhere with drippy beaks, hacking up phlegm. Roosters seem a lot less regal when they end their cock-a-doodle-doos with a sneeze – take it from us.
It’s so bad over there (and we’re not making this part up) that the Kentucky Fried Chicken franchises in Vietnam have completely taken chicken off the menu. What does that leave, you ask? Well, they’ve switched to fish. We weren’t convinced they hadn’t done that already, but that’s another column.
Anyway, you add this to the list of verboten foods – mad cow disease-infected beef, environment-polluting farmed salmon, etc. – and, as we have written before, it looks like the vegetarians might be on to something.
Only until the tumors from the genetically modified soybean tofu start popping up, though.
All these abortion letters in our editorial section are getting people riled up. And so it figures that the one person who writes a letter to settle the debate once and for all didn’t include his or her name or address, so the opinion page people can’t print it. But we can.
This anonymous person sent us a postcard (which, strangely, pictures a skier smacking into the lone tree on a slope) that’s obviously pro-choice.
“When the Lord speared adulterous woman from being stoned to death, He did not consider her guilt or innocence,” the writer eloquently argues. (We think this person meant “spared” not “speared,” by the way.)
And then the author goes from citing scripture to the logical debate equivalent of check-mate: quoting the Beatles.
“After all, “Love, love, love is all we need.'”
Who you gonna quote now, pro-lifers? How can you top that? We do believe it was Mr. Lennon himself who said the Fab Four were bigger than Jesus.
Be sure to check out Sunday’s column for our newest Contest! It’s going to be a fun one, with weekly installments and valuable (which we’ll admit is a relative term) prizes. Tell all your friends. Tune in Sunday.
It’s Saturday again in Summit Up Land. If only we had snow to top it off with. Let us know if you have a good substitute at
email@example.com, fax at (970) 668-0755 or just
cock-a-doodle-doo on the voicemail at (970) 668-3998, ext. 237.
We’re off in Myanmar, buying up all these surpluses of barbecue sauce …
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