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Summit Up

staff

Good morning and welcome to Summit Up, the world’s only column just thinking it odd.

We think lots of things are odd and strange, but we have promised our friends and relatives we wouldn’t publish their names in the paper. And we kind of made a promise to ourselves that we wouldn’t comment on news events other than to say stuff like, “Boy, life sure sucks for those people in Arizona,” or “What the hell was that Forest Service ranger thinking?!” or “Huh. The sky sure is smoky today.”

But we thought it rather interesting, rather odd and strange, that the people who are hiding all these child-molesting priests have gone one step further and have placed the alleged molesters in “safehouses.” They say they are sequestering them for their own safety, but we find this odd. These people need to be protected – from children?

We also think it odd that people shave their heads. Most heads out there are lumpy and pale and, in general, quite unattractive.

We think it odd that fish have an attention span of three seconds. How do they ever survive? They’re swimming away from a fish that wants to transform them into a meal, and three seconds later they forget about that fish. Then they remember, and three seconds later they forget. We think it odd.

We think seven is odd. Seven, seven, seven. Nine. Odd.

We find it odd.

***

What is the truth behind TV crawlers? That’s what we want to know. It used to be they were for fast-breaking news, like tornadoes in Weld County or severe thunderstorms in Larimer County. Now they use them for everything.

Stock market prices crawl along the bottom TI@H +45.6, R#-c – 83.e. Atop that is the breaking news: “Governor orders mass evacuation of Colorado! News at 11″ On top of that is the potential news: Where is Elizabeth? Does a bear still do his duty in the woods if there are no woods to dooty in?”

Next there will be ads. Feeling the heat from wildfires in your neighborhood? Buy Sam’s air conditioning!

Pretty soon, there won’t be any space above the crawlers and the TV personalities will have to jump up to see over them. That should make commentary more interesting, anyway: “Reporting – ungh! – from Denver – ungh! – is Amy – ungh! – Trujillo’s – ungh! – eyeballs!”

???

We are wondering what is socially acceptable attire to wear to work. We know that’s hardly a loaded question in Somewhat County, but there was a discussion in the Summit Up Headquarters the other day.

SUH Employee #98k: You can’t wear a thong to work!

SUH Employee #669: I said sarong. And yes I can. Watch me.

98k: Well, sarong, yes. But you can’t wear it up to here.

SUH Employee #520: Why not? Hnh, hnh. (wiggling eyebrows)

THUD! (Sound of heavy objects thrown in the direction of #520 … sound of ambulance sirens)

98k: I can wear it up to wherever I want.

669: Only on the beach.

98k: Shorts come up higher than that.

669: Do not

98k: Do so

It went on like this for awhile until the gods of office attire were consulted and they told the men to wear tutus and the women to wear ties. It’ll make for an interesting day in the office.

???

We haven’t gone through the phone book in a while to poke fun of peoples’ names! So, let’s! If your funny name is featured here, you have every right in the world to call us up and ask for a free Summit Up Kazoo. We’ll give you one!

We remember a man who lived down the street whose name was John Elton. Well, of course, in the phone book, it was Elton John, so some kids we knew – not us! We swear – would call him up and ask him if he had Prince Albert in a can. No, wait! Wrong prank call!

There are the Zwerdlingers of the world.

And wherever you look, oddities will always be there, the only thing that stays the same is Change, all those other wise observations. Try to find some of your own. You will.


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