Good morning and welcome to Summit Up, the world’s only daily column that you will now have to refer to as Reverend Summit Up, Our Holiness the Summit Up or the Venerable Rabbi Summit Up.
Every once in a while we get a spam e-mail or bulk mail package we just can’t resist.
It’s a good thing we don’t have any money, because we’d likely spend it on this crap; we tell ourselves it would be purely for the professional purposes of amusing you, our good readers, but we’re pretty sure you all are too smart to believe that.
So, when we got the e-mail proclaiming “Become a legally ordained minister within 48 hours,” we had to investigate.
“As a minister, you will be authorized to perform the rites and ceremonies of the church!” it said.
“Want to start your own church?”
That was all we had to hear.
We logged on (http://www.speedyclicksales.com/mp/minicert/) and checked it out.
There really wasn’t anything more to sway us – it’s 30 bucks for a certificate, in color with a gold seal and “printed by a real ink press,” the site says – and in fact, after reading the sales pitch from Minister Charles Simpson, we got kinda scared about who might be taking him up on his offer.
The good Minister Simpson offers the following rationalizations for why you should want to be a minister:
n “MARRY your BROTHER, SISTER or your BEST FRIEND!!” (We thought there were laws against this!)
n At a funeral, “Don’t settle for a minister you don’t know!!”
n You can conduct baptisms and say, “WELCOME TO THE WORLD!!!! I AM YOUR MINISTER AND YOUR UNCLE!!”
n “The Catholic church has practiced the forgiveness of sins for centuries,” so why shouldn’t you?
n And the best reason of all to get ordained over the Internet: “visit correctional facilities.”
Well, that’s all we need to hear.
We’re bamboozled today, folks, so excuse our rambling ramblings.
Having just returned from a Sam Bush “newgrass” show in Silverthorne, we’re a little hyped on music. We’re finding ourselves humming little ditties in the most inappropriate locations, and getting shot at us looks of agony from those within earshot.
But no matter!
Our staff has been looking for the perfect time to announce its “That Would Make a Good Name for a Rock Band” list, a list that’s been years in the compiling. Here goes.
§) Corralling Iguanas
B) Nuclear Cantaloupes
!) Apes in Heat
-) The Boozin’ Seniors (This is among our favorites, crafted when the Summit Seniors were trying to figure out if they needed a liquor license for events held at the Community and Senior Center)
~) Gender Flaps
@) What About Harry?
C) Toxic Heater Fluid
)) Sizeable Droplets
µ) Sleepyhead Baby Doll
$) Crotch Rivets (Thanks, Levi’s! ®)
) Putrid Future
) Pre-Natal Bingo
) Crocodile Porn
®) Monkey Pox
#) Lowercase Dumpster
©) Paige Who Stabbed Her Brother – no wait! That’s a nickname, not a rock band!
Hey, if you have any others, send “em on in. We’ll wade through the voluminous quantities of suggestions and pick a winner. Then all you have to do is come up with the band itself!
We, Rev. Summit Up, is now out praying for your mama …
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