Summit Up 6-25-10: Comin’ at ya from South Kick-Assistan
Good morning and welcome to Summit Up, the world’s only daily column that’s still recovering from our 11-hour stint watching the world’s longest tennis match. Whew! That was epic! We’re sure you heard all about how American John Isner won the fifth set Thursday, 70-68, over Nicholas Mahut, ending the longest recorded tennis match in history. The first-round Wimbledon match lasted 11 hours 5 minutes. Funny thing was, after all that, we really wanted more. That’s how good this match was.Or so we heard. We were actually busy watching West Slergoviniastan fight New & Improved Guinea to a 0-0 draw in World Cup soccer. It was the kind of tie-game action that sort of grabs you by the collar and shakes you, asking “Why the hell are you watching this crap when you could be digging a never-ending tennis match going on in England!”Mostly, though, we’re just fired up for the new bocce ball courts they’re putting in over in Dillon. That is going to be some HOT action – and imagine that word “HOT” with flames coming off it, if you will.MILLIONS OF SUMMIT UP READERS: Speaking of ‘New & Improved Guinea,’ what other interesting modifiers might you imagine for various countries around the world?SU: Funny you should ask. We always thought it was extremely lazy of certain countries or states to name themselves after old places. Strictly speaking, when you’ve got the chance to name an entire new country or state, you should get out the equivalent of the place-names baby book and really do some homework before you settle on New York or New Zealand or South Dakota or whatever. Forget about modifiers altogether, unless you want to settle for stuff like …-Slightly Used But Still In Pretty Good Shape Carolina-Not Quite England-Almost Avon (suggested name for Eagle-Vail)How about completely new names, fer cryin’ out Pete’s sake? You’re naming a friggin’ country, right? Use your imagination! It’s like some guy named Dick looking at his brand-new baby and saying, “Hmmm … the best name I can possibly think of for this kid is … Dick, Jr.!”If we were naming a brand-new country – and we certainly hope we get that chance some day, even if it means moving to Africa and waiting for the next coup – we’d pull out the stops and go with something like …-Kick-Assistan!-MegaWorld Deluxe (w/flames on letters)-South Jersey (kind of as a joke sorta name)-Bill’s Paradise (insert your own name)-TurboLand ExtremeYou get the idea. If you’re ever in a position to name a country, by golly make it good, make it memorable, make an effort! ***We know there are a lot of Colorado gators fans out there, and no, we’re not talking about that Florida team from whatever college that is. We’re talking about that Colorado Gators Reptile Park, where you can check out live alligators and, we believe, buy farm-raised tilapia. Anyway, we received this message from the Colorado Gators folks, which reads thusly:”A lot of people have been calling Colorado Gators Reptile Park and the Great Sand Dunes National Park with the same question: ‘Are you closed because of the fire?’Both Colorado Gators and the Great Sand Dunes are open to the public, and mostly unaffected by the fire. The Sand Dunes of course can’t catch fire, but the forest behind the dunes has been burning for over two weeks without affecting the visitors center, campground, amphitheatre, or the dune field.Since fire is healthy for the forest, and it is in an area with very high altitude and rugged terrain, officials have decided to let the fire run its course and not try to fight it. If it threatens structures or visitors, that may change, but for now it’s safe to visit the Sand Dunes.”Good to know! While we’re at it, we might just slip down to the Redneck Riviera on the Gulf Coast in our oil-resistant Speedo and take a dip in the petrol-filled ocean. We like doing that because we just sorta mingle in with the oil-coated pelicans afterwards and get a free sponge bath from concerned environmentalists. It tickles a little when they brush our oily armpits, but overall it’s worth it. Hey! A little to the left, please!***We’ve gotta hop in our nitro-burning funny car and blaze outta here, folks. It’s Friday, make the most of it!We out.
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