Summit Up 6-29-11: Where history’s what we make of it
Good morning and welcome to Summit Up, the world’s only daily column that’s really tired of all this “gotcha journalism” about presidential candidates who commit historical gaffes.History schmistory! Who cares if Paul Revere didn’t fight at the Battle of the Bulge, or that John Wayne (or John Wayne Gacy) was or wasn’t born in Waterloo, Ia. or Waterloo, uh, that Napoleon place.(sound of Googling)OK, Waterloo, where Napoleon got his ass kicked on June 18, 1815, is in Belgium. But see how far we got before having to resort to the intertubes for information? Why should we expect presidential candidates to be able to remember stuff off the top of their heads when they’re making speeches and stuff?MILLIONS OF SUMMIT UP READERS: Uh, because they have staff people who could vet the remarks and speeches of their candidates and coach them not to screw it up.SU: Well, sure, but what if the staff person in charge of, say, the details of the battle of Lexington and Concord was sick or stepped out for a pizza? That’s why we offer a couple of handy non-factoids to be whipped out whenever needed. Check it out:> Not sure who was president or prime minister during WWI or WWII? No bother, just go with these handy amalgamated names: Winston Asquith Churchill or Franklin Woodrow Roose-Wilson. When baffled media push for clarification, quickly switch to the budget deficit.> The French & Indian War and the American Revolution are pretty close to one another in history and can often be confused. Just remember that George Washington fought in both – he sorta sucked in the first one and started to suck in the second, but then got a lot better (we’ll leave it to you to pretty up the language).> Nobody really understands the Korean War (also known as “The Alan Alda Conflict”) so don’t fret about this one much. Just remember this simple formula: North Korea=Bad!; South Korea (Hyundai)=Good!> 7-second geography lesson: Atlantic Ocean=New York and Europe; Pacific=everything else that really matters like China and Hawaii.> Can’t tell Iran and Iraq apart? Remember this simple mnemonic device: “The one with the ‘Q’ now belongs to me and you; the one with the ‘N’ is full of very bad men.”Now get out there and campaign!***OK, here’s an Angel Alert! Angel Alert! from the good folks at the Summit County Animal Shelter, who write thusly:”There have been some very ambitious young girls out there that have selling lemonade to raise monies for the animals at the animal shelter! Thank you Emma McComb, Itzel Santos Figeroa, Nicole McLachlan & Sophia Fondl who were out recently serving some yummy drinks to help the animals! Thank you sooooo much!”Nice! And to round out the yin of that yang (or is it versa vice-a?), here’s a Scum Alert! Scum Alert! from Lynn Champagne, who wins the Cool Name of the Day Award and writes thusly:”Two of my gnomes are gone again from 34 Mt. Royal Dr. Frisco. In 2007 they took seven of my gnomes, and now two more are gone again. I don’t want to do this, but I have replaced the first stolen ones.And every year I add to the collection, but now I do not put all of them out just for this reason.They don’t have any monetary value – they are just fun.His friends are missing them and if whoever took them would return them, I would truly appreciate it.If not, then bad karma should follow them.”Oh, it will Lynn, it will! And know, also, that Lynn works for the district attorney’s office and knows where the special dungeons are for gnome horkin’ dirtbags. Outta room, until tomorrow ….
Support Local Journalism
Support Local Journalism
As a Summit Daily News reader, you make our work possible.
Your donation will be used exclusively to support quality, local journalism.
If you don't follow the rules, your comment may be deleted.
User Legend: Moderator Trusted User