Good morning and welcome to Summit Up, the world’s only column ready to recite the newly revised, improved, cleaned-up and politically correct Pledge of Allegiance.
You’ve probably heard that this old pledge was pronounced to be unconstitutional because of two little words the Knights of Columbus managed to get affixed to it in 1954: “under God.” A San Francisco judge has decided these two words aren’t broad enough to include the numerous gods that may or may not be out there. The judge also decided the two words could be construed as a government endorsement of monotheism, the view that there is only one God in the world. Or wherever.
But there are people out there who $) believe in Zeus, G) worship butter pats, “Y) idolize brazen hussies and T) don’t care. So saying “one nation under god” doesn’t quite describe this big salad mixing bowl thing we, as a nation, are supposed to be.
So, we have here, a rewrite of the nation’s Pledge of Allegiance:
I promise to feel as if we are one and will bow and scrape at the hem of a red and white striped piece of cloth to display that feeling of unity;
of, to, therewithall to the United States of America that was stolen from dark-skinned people we now call Native Americans but this could change in the next political-correctness revision, indivisible except for the possible future secession of Northern California from its southern brethren and South Carolina from these here states,
And to the republic, democracy, theocracy and anarchy to which we are all entitled, one nation (and a few territories) under God, Jesus, Allah, Zeus, Fabio, no one or the theological leader of your choice (or not),
With liberty, freedom to say things like this and justice for all, including and/or especially Robert Downey Jr.
We’re going to jump into the shadow vs. private part fray. If you don’t know what we’re talking about, head to e-Bay, where copies of last Monday’s Rocky Mountain News are selling for so much that if they had sold for that much a few years ago, they’d have never gone bankrupt leaving us with only one statewide paper from which to get our gossip.
A poor man was sitting in a bar – no wait! Wrong fray! He was sitting outside the burned remnants of his home near a major wildfire near you when a photographer snapped a photo of him and his cat and put it on the front page of the paper. The phones started ringing off the hook; the man – he had just lost his home, mind you – was pictured with what looks to be a part of his personal anatomy hanging out of his shorts. It’s one thing to run out of a burning house butt naked, as is what happened to one former county commissioner here in Summit County not too long ago, but to be sitting there petting his cat (There’s a joke here, isn’t there.)
The newspaper says it’s a shadow. Some here at Summit Up Headquarters, having nothing better to do, say it’s part of the man’s cat’s tail. But most people thought it was, well. One of those.
It’s gotten so crazy, the man doesn’t know which way to turn. (We recommend left, to block the view.) A radio station in Denver is paying him $300 and setting him up on a date. A Denver knitting circle is making him a blanket. And E-bay is having a ball.
But what we really want to know is how he feels about the Pledge of Allegiance.
I pledge allegiance to my Jockies
from the factory store of my choice
And to the suspenders
that keep them up under
One privacy, under wraps,
with blankets and jock straps for all
We think we’ve pushed the envelope enough for a Tuesday morning in July. We out.
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