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Summit Up

Summit Up

Good morning and welcome to Summit Up, the world’s only daily column sure to win a Nobel Prize in mathematics for our recent work on women’s nose rings.That opening sentence might seem like a non sequitur, but trust us – it’s sheer, brilliant science.See, it occurred to us right after we were caught staring at Staffer No. 003’s nose. Normally, when we do this, it’s because the subject of our gaze has “a bat in the cave,” if you’ll excuse the expression. That is to say, the green meanie mining stopped short of the mother lode. You get our drift.

This time, though, it was a little sparkle on the outside of the nostril that caught our attention.US: You got your nose pierced!STAFFER NO. 003: Brilliant deduction, Sherlock.

The nose ring was so small, you understand, we weren’t sure how long it had been there. Hence, we thought it was too small. These things should be big enough that people notice them, right? But how big? There’s a line, equivalent to the diameter of the piercing’s head, that you don’t really want to cross. But that line is probably different for each woman’s (or man’s, we guess) nose. So, we sat down with our slide rule, calculus textbook and some anatomy posters with models of noses, lit the candle at both ends (isn’t that what all the great thinkers do?) and did a little mathematical deduction.What we arrived at was this: The appropriate diameter of a nose piercing stone/ bead/ jewel/etc. is equal to the square root of the length of the nose bridge divided by the width of the nostrils, in a logarithmic function of the length of the fingers that will be pointed at it by passersby.

We could be a little off – we’re wondering if we should take an approach using Riemannian geometry, but the Nobel committee has never respected our work in that field.***It’s Tuesday, and if somebody doesn’t stop us soon, this nose ring algebra is going to lead to cold fusion. If you have any idea what that means, you let us know at, fax at (970) 668-0755 or tell us to stop using our minds before we hurt someone on the voicemail at (970) 668-3998, ext. 237.

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