Summit Up 7-21-10: Of bee beards and rhino horns | SummitDaily.com
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Summit Up 7-21-10: Of bee beards and rhino horns

by Summit Up
Earth
ALL |

Good morning and welcome to Summit Up, the world’s only daily column that still has a bit of a thrumming frontal cortex from watching that Inception movie the other night. Has anyone seen this film? (Judging from the number of folks in the theater in Dillon on a Monday night, we’re going to guess the answer is yes.) It’s one of those “psychological thrillers” that makes our brain so tired we almost wish we’d ducked into the other theater to see Predators instead. But we figger seeing Inception was almost like homework, so hopefully it’ll help keep our brain sharp for whatever ridiculous thing we’re going to start talking about when we finally finish this sentence, which may be a ways down the line since there’s still plenty of punctuation marks we can deploy to hopefully avoid this thing turning into a run-on; which would be bad since we’re a newspaper an’ all and we’re not supposed to do that kinda thing even though we sometimes bend the rules in this space – as you’ve no doubt noticed.

***

So here’s a Scum Alert! Scum Alert! going out to the no-good, low-down buttknockers who do what to us is a rather odd thing: They pick up after their dog on the trail, then leave the tell-tale plastic baggy o’poop on the side of the trail rather than do what you’re supposed to do, which is pack it out. We witnessed the aftermath of this out on the Meadow Creek Trail over the weekend.

What’s up with that? Why bother picking it up if you’re not going to go all the way? In fact, it’d probably be better (although still highly naughty and nasty) to just not pick it up in the first place, since at least there’s a chance of it biodegrading.

Anyway, hell for these folks will look a lot like a very narrow platform over a river of molten hot magma where you have to balance on one leg with a dozen or so fully loaded doggy poop bags hanging around your neck.

***

Here’s another Scum Alert! going out to the rotten dirtbag poachers in South Africa who took down the last female white rhino in the Krugersdorp Nature Reserve recently. According to http://www.treehugger.com, the poachers tranquilized the animal from a helicopter, sawed off its horn with a chainsaw and left it to bleed to death next to its orphaned calf.

MILLIONS OF SUMMIT UP READERS: Why would someone to such a heinous thing?

SU: Apparently the horn is used in Chinese medicine – probably for some purpose more easily addressed with, y’know, Viagra. It’s enough to make you send a check to Pfizer so they can airlift a few tons of Viagra to China to keep these idiots from creating the demand for voodoo medicine that comes at the expense of endangered critters.

Sheesh. But we were just kidding about sending money to Pfizer.

***

Have you ever wondered how to make a good bee beard?

MSUR: What the hell is a bee beard?

SU: Oh, c’mon, you’ve seen those nature channel specials where people have a bunch of bees all over their face.

MSUR: Oh, right, OK.

SU: Anyway, sez here on this Canadian newspaper website – the Ontario Star – that what you need to make a good bee beard is the queen bee in a little box around your neck, and some strategically placed petroleum jelly.

MSUR: Oh, who knew?

SU: This woman Melanie Kempers, 29, of Guelph, Ontario, who won a bee beard competition out there and who dispensed some advice on how to do it. (see story at http://www.thestar.com/news/ontario/article/837285–the-secret-to-a-good-bee-beard-queen-bee-and-vaseline)

You’ll thank us for this info some day, when you’re a victorious beebearder. Gotta run.


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