Summit Up 7-22-11: Now staffed by Hungry Hungry Hippos grand masters
Good morning and welcome to Summit Up, the world’s only daily column that wonders why college and professional athletes spend so much time getting in trouble. You’d think they’d be all content, making lots of money playing a game for a living, but no: They’re out running around with guns, getting in trouble with drugs or rape or murders and what have ya.
Our theory is that they’ve simply got too much down time between games and practices, and then they’ve got a big off season – a time when the devil, indeed, will find work for those idle hands. That’s why we propose athletes must have regular jobs in between all that sporty stuff, each according to his or her abilities, such as:
For the NFL linebacker: Piano mover. No, scratch that, too much idle time between jobs. How about just mover in general. That’ll keep them in shape and busy.
NHL guy: Ditch digger. A shovel is a little like a hockey stick, plus there again is the added benefit of staying fit in between games and seasons.
NBA dude: Grocery store shelf stocker. They can reach all those high places without need of a ladder, and they can practice their layups with things by tossing bags of marshmallows up on the top shelf and the like.
Ski racer: They should have to work in a T-shirt shop in a ski town just so they can get a taste of life from the ski-town service industry schlub.
We’ll think of more later.
Pet Peeve Alert! Pet Peeve Alert! Some kind of super-obnoxious Harley just came in and out of our parking lot with pipes so loud our ears are now bleeding all over our shoulders. We know some of you biker dudes think this is somehow cool, but we thing it’s downright moronic and uncivilized. So muffle thyselves, O loud pipe bikers.! You’re not cool, you’re not scary, you’re just kinda dumb. Sorry, but it’s true.
(sound of Summit Up staffers being thrashed by Hell’s Angels types)
So it goes.
This just in: We hear A-Basin Ski Patrol guy Josh Samuel is quite the chess player. He recently finished fifth in the National Chess Championships in Saratoga Wyo. He also beat Grand master Sergey Kudrin from New York City in a simultaneous game there on Friday night. He was the only one to defeat the grand master over the events that were held that weekend.
Very cool! Congrats to Josh, and we must say we’re jealous you got to meet a real chess grand master, which is a title right up there with “warlord” or “chancellor of the exchequer” in terms of overall coolness. We’re not very good chess players ourselves, but we challenge you, Josh to a brisk game of Candyland or Hungry Hungry Hippos. As luck would have it, we have grand masters in both games right here in the newsroom, as well as a not-so-grand master in Jenga, a junior master in Operation and a schmuck-master in Parchesi.
MILLIONS OF SUMMIT UP READERS: What be a schmuck-master?
SU: That’s a master who’s so incredibly poor at a particular game that he actually flummoxes his superior opponents with his utter ineptitude, thus affording him occasional dumb-luck wins.
Really. We out.
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