Summit Up 7-7-11: Where atomic gerbils assail our dreams
Good morning and welcome to Summit Up, the world’s only daily column that joins numerologist paranoids the world over in fretting over this very frightening day: 7-7-11. In ancient Norse mythology, it is written the world will end on this day in a giant avalanche of something called “slrpe-bada,” and in Mayan lore, it’s said we’ll all perish in a mud-slide like event featuring a cheesy, glutinous substance historians believe is an ancient form of nacho cheese. The ancient Etruscans believed the 7-Eleven Apocalypse (as it was known back then, loosely translated from the ancient Etruscan) would result from a glut of consumption of “boef jerk” and “Salem 100s,” although they, of course, had no idea what these things might have been way back when.In reality, it’s hard to say what will eventually wipe us all out. Perhaps nothing, eh? Perhaps we’ll just sorta fade out over the next couple billion years until we finally have to leave and find another planet as ours is about to be subsumed by the dying sun. Or maybe, like so many other species on Earth, we’ll be supplanted by some superior species that’s evolved to kick our ass over time – like some race of super-humans who look like a combination of a young Arnold Schwarzenegger and Bill Gates. But even if we’re not destined to be sucked up in a wormhole because some dude predicted it a couple hundred or thousand years ago, it’s still fun to think about it and fret over it. Or not.***More importantly on this day, it’s the festival of Sanfermines over in Pamplona, Spain (and other places), which is known for what is arguably the dumbest, most testosterone-driven event in all of humanity: the running of the bulls. Inspired, we’re sure, by copious amounts of Sangria and Rioja, some guys at some point thought it’d be a good idea to anger a bunch of (already angry) bulls and then let themselves be chased by said angry bulls. This event started back in 1910, and it’s worth noting that men back then were running from angry bulls whereas most men today deal only with some game named Angry Birds on their smartphones. But that’s neither here nor there, we guess.Anyway, according to the Great God of Knowledge Wikipedia, “Every year, between 200 and 300 people are injured during the run although most injuries are contusions due to falls and are not serious. Since 1910, 15 people have been killed in Pamplona.”So it’s not really quite as dangerous as it could be, is it? For any real men left out there, we suggest you celebrate July 7 with some slightly more robust and challenging challenges, such as:The Battle of the Furious Squid: Dipped in clam juice and dressed as a wounded juvenile whale, you are submerged in the deepest part of the ocean to battle giant squid, who have been angered by viewings of squid snuff films featuring high-volume calamari consumption. Of course, you’ll die of drowning and the great pressure before you get to the squid battle arena, but you’ll die knowing that, damnit, you tried!Texas Chainsaw Dash: Similar to the running of the bulls, but instead of bulls you have recently released serial killers armed with fully fueled Stihl ‘Tree Slayer 800’ chainsaws. Running of the Atomic Gerbils: Again, like the bull thing only you’re at the head of a great pack of truly irate gerbils, at least one of which is equipped with a tiny backpack carrying a miniature nuclear device. Small, yes, but still powerful enough to take out you and a city block, the “special” gerbil is not to be trifled with.Frozen Turkey Trot: Completely frozen 22-pound turkeys swing from ropes through the medieval English town of Great Yarmouth as you, clad only in a leather jockstrap and coated in cranberry sauce, attempt to run through them all without getting clocked.MILLIONS OF SUMMIT UP READERS: This is getting too silly for us. Tell us about the band playing in Frisco tonight.SU: Oh, OK, it’s Shannon McNally with her Mississippi-based band Hot Sauce playing at “the juncture where country and soul music meet.” Sound interesting! Show is at 5:30 p.m. at the Gazebo there on Main Street, it’s free, there will be beer and jocularity all around. Go check it out!We out, training for the Running of the Gerbils …
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