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Summit Up

Good morning and welcome to Summit Up, the world’s only daily column pondering the twin mysteries of love gods and porcelain goddesses.

It’s not what you think. Nor was being advised on our Miranda rights on such matters.

Just as the staffers among the male persuasion have suspected ever since they halved our health class at Lord of the Flies (Va.) Junior High School and Dale Earnhardt Memorial, there are things afoot the other gender suspects, but never knew.

The facets of the human experience we just discovered include the fact that, by substituting two consonants and a vowel, one of our female staffers can transform herself into “Miranda” – a nom de dis not her own that nevertheless doesn’t sound like a lie. We cross-referenced that story with one of our staffers’ recent trip to a certain East Coast metropolis that shall remain nameless, suffice it to say it keeps the theme rolling and rhymes with “You Dork.” It seems a young lady named Holly was telling our staffer a story about how she, similarly, adopts the name “Heather” to keep from giving undesirables too much information. (“That’s funny,” one urchin replied, “because my name’s LEATHER.”) We realize in retrospect her name probably actually was Heather.

The discussion arose. Does a woman have a right to do this? And if so, can we agree to call using a fake name to repel would-be suitors exercising your Miranda rights? (“Dude: I told him my name was Anne – I was just exercising my Miranda rights.”)

So, there’s that. Then, they (and by “they” we of course suspend the rules of grammar to mean a singular female who insists her name is Amy – probably under duress) told our male staffers about the loser line. It goes a little something like this. Male person asks female person for a phone number. Female person, already having used her last drop of mace, writes telephone number down for male person. After observing three-day waiting period, male person calls the telephone number. The voice at the other end of the telephone informs male person he’s talking to the loser line. Conflict avoided.

Is it any coincidence that, while these training sessions have been going on, our male staffers have been spending a lot more time in the ladies room (due to a plumbing catastrophe that was equal parts Old Faithful and “South Park” skit, but that’s a different story).

So, we’re obviously lonely. Think of your favorite pseudonym or Miranda rights story and get ready to tell us at (608) 345-0943. It’s not really our phone number, but trust us – it may come in handy.

We’re out exercising our rights S and our lefts S

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