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Summit Up


Good morning and welcome to Summit Up, the world’s only column concerned about aching, swollen knees and gonorrhea – a Summit Up for which you can finally clap.We have it here on good authority – gossip in the Inside Out Dishwasher – that if your knees ache, you might have a case of the aforementioned disease. Our Good Authority said he/she had a roommate who was constantly complaining about his/her aching knees, and when he/she went to an orthopedic surgeon, he/she (the clapper) was referred to a doctor of quite a different sort.We think, in light of all the Summit County skiers, boarders and bikers out there with aching knees, this could be a startling development. And we want to know how the following symptoms and diagnoses will affect how HMOs of America reimburse the afflicted! Haha! That last bit was a joke. But you knew that.Anyhow: Here’s what we’re predicting to be the latest on the medical front:1) New study reveals people with aching shoulders should visit their cardiologist!) Sore biceps predecessor to kidney stones!Y) Random lesions linked to broken toes!) Red eyes associated with stupor and coma!) Memory loss often a symptom of old age!H) Lacerations blamed for ateriovenous malformations!$) Headaches could spell “Housewives eczema’!!!) Bruises might mean Hurler’s syndrome!And there’s always Jail fever, which is transmitted to humans via feces from the human body louse. Symptoms are headaches and fever, but if untreated, can spread to include a rash that does a bunch of nasty stuff that can result in death.We’d venture to say that little disease has jumped the line from unpleasant to down-right gross.***We bring to you the newest entertainment to hit American society!You’ve heard of race-car cams, handlebar cams – even Dumpster cams. But here at the Ship-like Behemoth, we were privy to the debut of Sewer Cams!Staff members #592 and #659 ventured outside to view the sky, something we don’t often get to do as we are hard at work crafting the news, and saw a man squatting on the lawn watching TV. Our staffers also noted a long hose – a tubular camera, as it ends up – in a pipe in the ground.The man was viewing rocks. Said rocks were stuck in part of the Ship-like Behemoth’s sewage system – a story all its own – and the man was trying to get them out. At that point, a huge ant, about six inches long, ran across the screen, and our staffers scampered inside.Peruse your pipes. Get a Sewer Cam today! Only $19.95 from Ronco.???The Wayward Wildlife Solutions of Dillon brings us back in time to when Summit Up was a young and wayward thing all its own, with little taste for anything but beer. Now we’ve broadened our horizons to include Jack and bourbon, martinis and something called a Cosmo, but we would like to regress from our current status of Of High Taste and slip back into the gutters from whence we were born.(Begin regression) The Wayward Wildlife Solutions folks want to let everyone know that in this period of drought, all you need is beaver!(End regression) Yes, the beaver, that semi-aquatic herbivorous rodent, Castor canadensis, help create wetlands that help prevent soil erosion, promote biodiversity and improve water quality and quantity that provides fish and wildlife habitat while enhancing forage and cover for livestock and downstream flooding. Their ponds raise the water table, which can alleviate effects of the drought we’re now experiencing.So get on down to a pet store, and (Begin regression) get you some beaver today! (End regression).We want to know why downstream flooding needs enhanced forage and cover. Ideas? Send them to us at 668-3998, ext 237.???We out exercising our aching knees.

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