Good morning and welcome to Summit Up, the world’s only daily column trying to figure out, if our car was to flip over on the Dam Road, which way we’d prefer to go.As it turns out (from our conversation this morning at the coffee shop), it depends on the weather and your personal phobias. Oh, and whether or not you’re driving a Sherman tank or a Miata.See, if it’s summer, and you’re driving a teenie little convertible, you’d probably prefer to spin out of control and tumble into the reservoir. You just grab onto your airbag, and float right out of your seat, then swim to safety. Somersaulting down the sheer face above the ball fields – not so good in a rag top, you know?”I’d take the ballfield side,” said our angel of caffeine. “I’m afraid of water. I’d just hope it’s winter and there’s a lot of cushy snow.”Or, maybe you hope you were driving a Hummer. Maybe one of those could survive rolling down that cliff.See, this is why it’s wisest not to talk to us until we’ve had our morning java. These things are bouncing around in our skulls.*** Willowbrook residents: Notice anything different about the common area?
Michael Lytle e-mailed us a Thank You! to “the man in the white hat” who single-handedly eradicated the crazy daisies. Michael says thanks for all the hours pulling scentless chamomile. “Noxious weeds fear you and your neighbors revere you,” he writes.***In yesterday’s column, our chant of the day included the words (if you can call them words) “hiney-ho.” Valerie, our Atlanta field agent in charge of humidity and Ted Turner jokes, writes that we should be careful about printing that.”After Janet Jackson and Boobgate, the FCC might fine you. Hmmmm, will we be able to print ‘Ho, ho, ho’ at Christmastime?”Oh, yeah, well Michael Powell and all his FCC cronies can suck our fat … Oh, hi, Mr. Powell. So nice of you to drop by …***This is all about stolen underwear, which would be absolutely hilarious – if it wasn’t a Scum Alert!! Scum Alert!!
Megan called to tell us that somebody broke into Summit Thrift and Treasure in Dillon Monday night. The gang arrived at the store (run by the nonprofit Family and Intercultural Resource Center, by the way, folks) to find one of the front windows smashed.The vandals didn’t bother stealing any of the computers, money or anything like that, fortunately. Megan did not, however, that all the underwear they had out on the shelves was missing.That’s when a Scum Alert! becomes a Panty Freak Alert!Here’s to hoping the thief needed all that underwear because of an incontinence problem.***Normally, we try to make a conscious effort not to mess with Oprah. That’s like taunting God, but worse, because Oprah has more power, money and influence. (Yeah, we’re going to Hell for that one.)Anyway, we don’t know how to feel about this: For those that didn’t see the news, Oprah had a surprise for everyone in her audience on Monday. She gave them all cars. All 276 of them. Brand new, $28,000 Pontiac G6s. Yeah, go ahead and read that all again, just so you’re sure you read it correctly (and we’ll do the math for you – that’s $7,728,000 total, not counting tax and title and whatever else).Our first thought was that, hey, it just goes to show ya, some people have too much money. When you’re handing out cars like they’re lollipops, you’ve got too much dough. You don’t see Ross Perot handing out cars. Hell, Bill Gates won’t give anything like that, even to his kids. So Oprah must have definitely lost it.
But then we read how she selected everyone in the audience from letters their family and friends had written about how this person or that person desperately needed a new car and you have kind of say, gosh, that’s pretty nice of her. Then the petty, poor people in us take over and wonder where Oprah was last fall when we were killing ourselves over buying a new car – and after all the times we restrained ourselves from joking at her expense.Well, that’s over now. It might be deer season, but here in Summit Up Land, it’s Oprah season.(Just kidding if you’re reading this, O. Please don’t hurt us!)***It’s Wednesday, the longest day of the week (in letters, not hours, obviously). Send us your Wednesday observations to email@example.com, fax at (970) 668-0755 or just tell us what Oprah should buy for you on the voicemail at (970) 668-3998, ext. 237.We’re out watching our special edition DVD of “The Color Purple” …
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