Good morning and welcome to Summit Up, the only daily column with a drug-free cure for depression among America’s youth.What with all the debate around whether the likes of PROZAC and other SSRIs belong in the bodies and brains of our children, we’d like to offer up an alternative mood-enhancer: press releases.For those of you in Summit Up Land who have never read a press release, you’ve missed out on gobs and gobs of sticky-sweet, cotton-candy Pollyanna optimism capable of digging you out of your darkest doldrums. In the land of press releases, everyone is constantly “excited,” “positive,” “successful,” and always, always “moving forward.” (These words may never appear elsewhere on the pages of this publication, but that’s because all our staffers are crotchety old newspaper curmudgeons, wallowing in a pool of our own cynicism.)One of the most remarkable things about press releases’ relentless optimism is that the worse things are, the sunshinier the press releases get. Once-respected leader embroiled in controversy gets the ax? “Refreshing!” Economic recovery slower than molasses in your freezer? “Promising!”Take, for example, this excerpt from a press release on W’s Web site: The U.S. manufacturing sector showed signs of vigor in August, even though the economy appears to be reviving slowly after the pace of growth decelerated earlier in the year.”Recap: Vigor! Despite mostly everything being largely disappointing. Our youth need only to sit down with a stack of these and watch the clouds part. And not only will they feel better, they’ll be boosting their literacy skills while they’re at it. How’s that for positive?Another advantage of press releases in treating depression is that they’re free. At no cost to you, the consumer, thousands of press releases make their way in and promptly out of our cubicles for your exclusive use. Just check the Dumpster out back of Headquarters and help yourself. We won’t notice, we’re too busy moving forward.***It’s Friday, which means we’re already thinking about Saturday. E-mail us at email@example.com, fax at (970) 668-0755 or just leave a message on the voicemail at (970) 668-3998, ext. 237.
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