Good morning and welcome to Summit Up, the world’s only daily column that can’t believe the women here at the Corporate Suites didn’t know: Millions of years of evolution have made it almost impossible for a man’s eyes to avoid cleavage.
Let us say first that, being the enlightened, sensitive souls we are, we keep our eyes on the horizontal, which is to say, chin-high and risin’. Please do not confuse us with the creepier sort who was being discussed here yesterday afternoon.
The complaints, to here the staffers tell it, surround the “oglers,” the “icky slime,” the “preeeeeeeverts” who, for what reason the complainers would not even hazard a guess, make a habit of, shall we say, checking the upper button status on the blouse. And that’s fine. We don’t want our more estrogenous coworkers suffering needlessly at the eyelashes of some mammary-monger (can you tell those court-ordered sensitivity classes are working?).
But, we explained to these besieged beauties, we hope you realize these men – nay, all men – are helpless to resist. To our surprise, they were surprised, even appalled, that we would suggest such a thing. And thus, we sprang to the rooftop and called for a chorus of witnesses (which was pretty easy, considering we were shouting about “witnesses,” “staring” and “cleavage”). The men who gathered ’round said, “Yes, ’tis true what the Summit Up Oracle says. We know we’re not supposed to do it, but we do.”
The women, it seems, had never noticed these particular signs of danger, which we have collected, appropriately, in the “You might be a redneck if -” comedy format, which will clue you in the next time you ladies have just been “spotted”: excessive blinking (includes the “oh, there’s something in my eye” defense), the head-bobber (the head goes from upright to looking down at the ground, with a brief glance on the way), the look-over-your-shoulder (don’t bother to look for a person coming up behind you) and the expert-incognito-super-stealth stare in which he’s looking at the bottom whites of your eyes, but his attention is really on his peripheral vision (this ultimate of techniques can be stopped with a hand over his eyes and a quick question about what color yours are – if he can’t answer, he’s guilty).
“But what about less-well-endowed women?” one staffer asked. It doesn’t matter, we explained. Men will look anyway.
“What about if I wear a tank-top under the unbuttoned shirt?” another queried. No difference, we told her – adding that, while a gold cross around your neck might be comfort, protection and faith for you, it’s a bull’s-eye for the roving pupil.
We won’t argue there’s a line here, nor that it never gets crossed. But given the shock of the staffers around us, we look on this as a public service message: Be flattered if you don’t absolutely have to be mad and, remember, the same cosmic forces that gave it to you are the ones that make him look.
Kyle wanted us to call this a Scum Alert!! Scum Alert!!, but it’s kind of hard to call it that, considering how hard it made us laugh.
Kyle tells us he went down to Red Rocks the other night to catch the “Wizard of Floyd” show, or whatever they’re calling it – they showed “The Wizard of Oz” on a movie screen and simultaneously broadcast Pink Floyd’s “Dark Side of the Moon” album. Kyle was sold on the idea after hearing repeated promotions for it on KSMT.
However, it wasn’t until after Kyle got all the way down there, bought his $10 ticket and was inside that he learned you had to bring your own radio to hear the music. “And the cops were telling everybody to turn their boom-boxes off,” Kyle told us.
Now you can see why we laughed (especially if you know Kyle): Picture any of your Pink-Floyd-fan friends having to sit through “The Wizard of Oz” with no psychedelic score.
Which brings us to our next point, the greatest practical joke of all time: Kidnap Pink Floyd just before they go on stage at any given concert, and send out hundreds of penguins instead. That’ll teach ’em to take mind-altering substances!
It’s Thursday, and we better stop before somebody gets poked in the eye. Send all your harassment subpoenas and citations to email@example.com, fax at (970) 668-0755 or just list as many synonyms for
“scurrilous” as you can on the voicemail at (970) 668-3998 ext. 237.
We’re out getting fitted for horse blinders …
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