Good morning and welcome to Summit Up, the world’s only daily column wondering when the Fox network is going to fire Michael Winslow. For those of you who don’t remember, Winslow enjoyed more than 15 minutes of fame in the 1980s as Sgt. Larvelle Jones, the cop with all the funny noises. To this day, Winslow makes his pocket change by performing at comedy shows across this great country of ours. But we’ve become convinced over the last few years that he’s pulling his primary paycheck as the person responsible for all the annoying sound effects during a Fox broadcast of an NFL game. Every visual effect on the screen is accompanied with a strange “vroom” or “eeyown.” We really think it’s a distracting way to watch a pro sporting event. No doubt, Winslow is probably working from a royalty system that pays him for every sound effect. If you take into consideration every noise from every NFL game broadcast across Fox’s vast television empire, you can probably assume that Winslow has agreed to film Police Academy 8 for charity. (We hear it’s scheduled for release in 2006.) ***Speaking of pro sports, what’s this we hear about the 2004-2005 NHL season being canceled? We just caught wind of this doozy, and we’re just plain flummoxed over what appears to be a squabble over money. Didn’t the NHL see what happened to baseball the last time they ix-nayed just part of a season? Like the mass exodus of fans that still haunts the national pasttime? Of course, we’re talking about Canada’s national pasttime here, and since they only have six pro teams left, they were kind of powerless to stop it. But we got to thinking: What are we going to do this winter without hockey?*) Squirt mustard on passers-by in Copper Mountain’s Burning Stones Plaza&) Stand by the entrance of the Eisenhower Tunnel and verify CDOT’s statements of how many cars passed through. #) Play hockey using overcooked hamburgers as pucks. ^) Actually watch an NBA game or two before the playoffs.***During the two-day period just passed known as “the weekend” we spent some time in a large Denver nightclub (don’t ask). This place is an old church that has been refurbished with new-age couches, stages, about 11 bars, a sushi bar and thousands of flashing lights.The club is big enough to have three rooms. We can only imagine what went on in these rooms during the building’s church days – suffice it to say we were haunted by lingering prayers in the main pew area.So this nightclub breaks its three rooms up by theme. The main area is for techno-rave fans, one room downstairs is for hip-hop dancing and another is set up for the large Goth population of Denver.It’s like three different clubs in one, and a pretty neat place for a sociological study. (And you wonder why we have little to no luck with the opposite sex. We’re too busy studying mating habits to partake in them. How very sad for us.)If you’re interested in some ground-breaking conclusion on the rave scene’s drug culture or what makes a normally sane individual die their hair black, pierce their cheek and wear boots up to their knees, our column today will likely disappoint. And we apologize for that.All we have to offer is our amusement at watching the segregation take place in this nightclub. Everyone was there for the same reason: To dance a bit, socialize and eat some sushi. Yet the people separated into their respective “areas” as if they were different species of animals.A group of Goths from the Goth room would barely look into the hip-hop room as they passed it on their way to the smoking deck. In fact, many went out of their way to circumnavigate the possibility of any contact with the hip-hoppers or ravers. Many hip-hoppers and ravers did the same thing.We, of course, being partiers of the people, enjoyed all rooms. We got down to Nine Inch Nails, P-Diddy and the oonce, oonce, oonce of the techno DJ.(While we’re here, how is it that DJ’s get credit for making music when all they are doing is playing other people’s records? Sure they’re mixing and scratching, but we don’t understand how some DJ’s develop a following of people who actually plan evenings around seeing some DJ’s “perform.” Don’t they know that they could play the same repetitive records in their homes if they made a small investment in equipment?)We hear on Sundays this club has a lesbian night. Lesbians in one room and the straight folk in the others.We really feel our studies of nightclub segregation won’t be complete until we witness that mixture first-hand.***Well good readers – and we do mean good if you got through that whole thing – It’s Monday again. We know. We’re not going to dwell on it, and we suggest you do likewise. Feel free to make your own sound effects at on the voicemail at (970) 668-3998, ext. 237, or try to spell them at firstname.lastname@example.org. We’re out playing hockey …
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