Good morning and welcome to Summit Up, the world’s only daily column sealing in its freshness with 17 layers of plastic wrap.We wouldn’t want you getting a stale daily column. And if you had to carry us around all day, well we should give you a handle and some weather-proofing – the skies have been pretty dark these past few days.And how could we tell you about all the great things contained inside this daily column if it wasn’t wrapped in foil, padded with bubble-sheets and decoupaged in wax paper? Where would we put the ingredients? How would we proclaim, in big bold letters, just what value awaits you inside, what prize you could win or how we have new, extra juicyness?
As we sat in the grocery store deli yesterday, unwrapping the plastic from our sandwich, we couldn’t help but wonder all this. See, somewhere along the line, Big Commerce decided that everything we buy – you, us, anybody – must come in some sort of packaging. Doesn’t matter if it doesn’t need it. And if it does, well, then you’re going to get way more packaging than you need.Our sandwich, for instance: We’d like to think the deli ladies recognize us by now (how can you forget two-headed, schizophrenic daily columns ordering lunch from you?), and they’d know we never leave with the sandwich. We sit right down and eat it. So they don’t have to put it in a little paper tray, and they certainly don’t have to wrap it in 17 layers of plastic wrap. It ain’t a Christmas present, you know?We couldn’t help wandering around the store after that, looking at all the packaging on everything. Even the stuff that doesn’t come with packaging – like say the produce (not all of it, but some of it) – they’ve got the packaging right there so you get to put it on! We started to imagine a futuristic world where petroleum- and paper-based products were so rare and expensive that people just had to do without packaging: A life that required you to have your own personal coffee mug, shopping bag, liquid containers and mason jars, because if you didn’t have your own, you’d have to find very creative ways to carry your caviar out of the store.
Then again, this could be a very fun world. Pants-makers would have to start making all pocket-liners waterproof so we could fill them at the soda fountain. You’d see a lot more of those hats that hold beers and have straws. And we wouldn’t always be looking for a trash can to throw away all this packaging.***Never let it be said we don’t acknowledge our own mistakes. Brendan e-mailed us after reading Monday’s column to note that: “1. You misspelled ‘pastime’ twice in the hockey segment,” and even more egregiously, “2. In the segregated nightclub section, when you were talking about having a lesbian room on Sunday nights, you forgot to mention that for some strange reason, it was filled with men.”
***Thursday called and said it’d be a little late today, folks. Something about all these gray skies, the rain and not being able to get up in the morning until Daylight Saving Time kicks in. The typical excuse.Let us hear yours at email@example.com, fax at (970) 668-0755 or just tell us how you love this blah, in-between season on the voicemail at (970) 668-3998, ext. 237.We’re out at our new factory job, wrapping up rolls of wrapping paper …
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