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Summit Up


Good morning and welcome to Summit Up, the world’s only daily column contemplating the difference between arachnophobia and terroristophobia.A new study sanctioned by a country (that should be spending its extra time and money giving to a worthy cause like Summit Up’s after-hour party fund) shows people are more afraid of spiders than terrorists.Well, we could have told you that! Right here inside the Inside Out Dishwasher where we spend so much time, we are often accosted by spiders and terrorists. And believe us, you. The terrorists don’t have anything on the spiders.We know this is because we all know what a spider looks like. Eight legs, buggy red eyes, hairy. OK, so sometimes we get the spiders mixed up with some of our fellow employees, particularly in the wee hours of the morning. But terrorists? We wouldn’t know one if it walked through our door.But spiders, oh man. We can sleep well with one stuck to the bottom of our shoes. (And yes, to all those sensitive bug lovers out there, we do know the benefits, like how spiders eat smaller insects and how spiders provide an easy opportunity for chivalry for someone needing to rescue an arachnophobe.)Note: People are more afraid of terrorists than they are of snakes, heights, death, a trip to the dentist, needles and inoculations and speaking in public. Our biggest fear? Deadlines. It has the word “dead” in it, and that just makes us a little uneasy, and have you seen any of our missing reporters?***We’re not sure if this is a new trend, but it’s definitely something we need to start monitoring a little more closely.According to a large news source in Denver, a truck driver was carrying a backhoe and toodling down Interstate 25 yesterday when the backhoe struck a bridge!Now, we in Summit County thought we had the corner on news of the weird in this state, and we don’t appreciate truck drivers trying to one-up us in that arena. We were the first to have a truck plow down a bridge (remember: French Creek? This spring?) The only other place that’s come close to one-upping us on that one was that man in Granby who took out the whole town. Or Old Tom in Alma, who took out four public buildings in 1996 or so.So, lookee here, Denver. You can take your backhoe and run it into something more newsworthy. Highlands Ranch comes to mind. Or Aurora.***Boy, talk about violating the First Amendment, which, if we recall, says we can say what we want and gather in public places unless local ordinances prohibit it by calling it “loitering.”Seems the City Museum of Washington had scheduled a “living room art” exhibition called “Funky Furniture.” A cartoonish painting, called “Man of Leisure, King George,” showed a nude President George W. Bush reclining on a couch with his head propped up by pillows. It’s a take-off on Monet’s Impressionist masterpiece, “Olympia.”But instead of the female servant who stands behind Olympia’s couch, a man in suit and tie – suspiciously resembling Vice President Dick Cheney – stands nearby, holding a cushion with a crown and a miniature oil rig on top of it.Oh, we love it! Bring it and the politically incorrect equivalent of John Kerry (a man wearing flip flops, good hair and pitching a purple heart at Edwards) to us and we’ll proudly display them in our offices!***This just shows you how unpredictable the news can be. We have one media outlet saying W is nekked and reclining on a couch. Another debate flying around the ‘net says the Prez was wired during the presidential debates, as is evidenced by a rectangular lump on the back of his jacket and a cord traveling up his right shoulder.Personally, we don’t think this is the case. First of all, it just wouldn’t be the right thing to do. OK, so that’s a lame answer. Secondly, we don’t think any advisors would tell him to interrupt the moderator to say, “Let’s do the boogie-woogie, baby!” unless, of course, Little Richard is the secret force behind the Bush campaign.”Tooty fruity,” he says.***It’s Tuesday, which means nothing to us. Send us your list of scary things to or give us your best scream at the beep at (970) 668-3998 ext. 237.We’re out …

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