Good morning and welcome to Summit Up, the world’s only column putting green lawns at the top of our priority list for the rest of the year.It’s come to our attention that there’s a drought going on out there, and congressmen near you are encouraging homeowners to brush every other tooth, flush it down when it’s brown and stop watering the lawn.Well, being the All-American Column that we are, we are appalled! It is our right as Americans in the West to have a lush Kentucky bluegrass lawn that requires some 60 inches of rain each year! Like a single driver in a vehicle, lawns are the way the West was won! They’re as American as apple pie and baseball! They’re part of our heritage, just like free parking! And no one – no one! – is going to take those rights away from us.That’s how we felt until this morning, when we dared glance into (over?) the waters of Lake Dillon and saw how little there really was there. Without water in the lake, we can no longer sail! We can no longer fish! We can no longer plod along at 4 mph in our Personal Party Barge!So we’ve got to save water folks, and have we a proposal here for you! It’s the ProGreen alternative.Sell the mower! Cancel your plans to install a sprinkler system! Stop haggling your teen-ager to mow the lawn!The latest rage to hit suburbia is synthetic lawns. So rip out that expensive sod and install ProGreen. The stuff is made out of synthetic fibers and either sand or recycled rubber crumb. You have to touch it to see if it’s real. It’s so lifelike, it’ll fool the neighbors! It will fool the neighborhood pets, meaning you’ll have to haul out the carpet cleaner to do away with doots!Kieth Poole, a former Denver Bronco, raves about his new fake-o-lawn.”The only thing I have to do is blow off the debris with my leaf blower,” he said. “And occasionally, wash off the dust with my garden hose.””I bought my fake grass for a dog run,” said another man from Aurora. “The sand absorbs the wet messes and I just scoop up the other messes, just like I did when I had real grass. Now I don’t have to worry about my dogs tearing up the grass, and my neighbors tell me it looks like natural grass!”Two questions: Do the neighbors use it as a toilet like the rest of the neighborhood? And, if you don’t take the time to “rinse the dust off,” doesn’t it start to stink after awhile with all that puppy traffic?The grass is always greener over the leech field! That’s what we always say!???Have we mentioned recently how much we just love the new Mini Cooper vehicle? It’s adorable! We love it-love it!???Happy, happy, happy, happy b-irth-day! Happy, happy b-irth-day!Has this guy ever pulled your pass? (See photo, elsewhere on this page). Well, watch out, because he’s going to be older and even more crotchety next season! Plus, you know old patrollers never die; they just keep doing downhill. Hahaha! Happy 40th b-day, Mr. Man on the Slopes! From Pati “O.???We have here a letter from a H.L. Dodd of The Woodlands, Texas, who was anything but pleased about a recent Summit Up in which we told a story (not a joke) about some Texans who came to the Frisco clinic complaining about high altitude sickness. They were fine, they told the nurses, until they got to the top of Vail Pass, rolled down the windows and let in the altitude, at which point they all started to feel ill.Unlike Mr. H.L. Dodd of The Woodlands, Texas, who found it highly offensive and said something along the lines that we should remember what side of the carpet our jelly’s buttered on, we found this highly amusing. We haven’t heard something this good since someone pulled into the Diamond Shamrock gas station in Frisco years ago looking for A Rabbit Hole Basin. This beats the “When do the deer turn into elk?” question all to hell. It’s better than “How much do the mountains weigh?” and “Does the elevation change in the winter?”We are sorry if we offended Mr. H.L. Dodd of The Woodlands, Texas, but it would not have mattered where these hapless souls originated, we would have shared the story anyway. In case others just didn’t appreciate the innocence of these visitors, just keep in mind that when we Highlanders head to the flatlands, we, too, make naive comments.8) Is a Maui-Wowee a drink, a hot woman/man or a colorful fish?G) Can we really purchase the London bridge?) Why do birds fly south in the winter?So don’t take it so personally, Mr. H.L. Dodd of The Woodlands, Texas. And we’ll see you again when you make it up to the High Country. Bring your oxygen! And keep those windows rolled up tight!???Yeee-ha. We out.
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