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Summit Up

by staff

Good morning and welcome to Summit Up, the world’s only column seeking an education in art.

We decided to do this after receiving a fax from a literary publicist asking us – imagine – if modern art baffles us. Well, indeed it does, we thought, further perusing the fax.

“New guide explains how to “get it’!”

We’re all for getting any, even if it’s only art, so we read on.

Seems a woman wrote a book – kind of an Art for Dummies – explaining modern art.

“I wrote the book for intelligent people (OK. That applies. Check) who want to understand and enjoy art (check), but haven’t been able to before (check),” she said. “Maybe they’re intimidated by the critical jargon (No … we write that.) the pretense (the wha?) the black turtlenecks (definitely), or they just don’t know where to begin thinking about art (check).”

Then she goes on to say there IS no formula for understanding or appreciating art. Haha! We thought so! It’s all a farce, to get you to drop $10 kajillion dollars on a Rembreau!

But you can try to understand, through her basic discussion of art’s formal attributes, strategies for objective and subjective responses and – most importantly to us – what to do when you stand in front of a work of art.

This has always baffled us. We’ve tried staring – until we realized the “art” we were staring at was a cover-girl model who called the police. We’ve tried muttering under our breath, thinking that would help us comprehend. (A fellow art appreciator offered us a TUMS.) We’ve tried frowning and sighing and harumphing. (Cough drop.) Nothing has helped us to get closer to understanding art.

So we’re on to the natural history museum. We are disappointed that we won’t be “getting it,” but we understand dinosaurs.

***

Alert! Alert!

It’s time to head to Washington, where the apple commission is looking for a few good grannies!

Actually, they only want one. And she’d better be active, healthy and live life to the fullest. Last year’s winner is a 66-year-old second-home owner from Tucson and Amherstburg, Ontario, who bikes in marathons, skis, plays tennis and works part-time for her husband’s law firm.

That is nothing compared to the seniors in Summit County. Biking, running in marathons, skiing, playing tennis and working would take about two hours in the life of a Summit County senior! Have you seen these people? They’re animals!

They get up at the crack of dawn to climb a 15,000-foot mountain, then ride their bikes around the lake. Then it’s off to work – some of them are athletic trainers and spend their 40-hour work weeks running, lifting, stretching and climbing rock walls. After work, it’s time for an icy scuba dive in Lake Dillon, followed by a kayaking trek and a short walk with the dog before hitting the bars like the party animals they are.

You lookin’ for grannies? We’ve got your grannies.

???

Speaking of party animals, did you see the throngs of people atop the deck at Fatty’s Sunday afternoon? Woo-ah! Do those folks know how to party!

And well they should, because John Daisy, the owner of the renowned restaurant/bar/hangout/rugby training center, is closing his fine drinking establishment for the entire summer, news that sent jolts of terror through the hearts of hard-core partiers in the Upper Blue Basin. They’ll rip up the place – the contractors, not the hard-core partiers – and rebuild Fatty’s into what it used to be in the 1880s: a renowned restaurant/bar/hangout/rugby training center with a false front.

Rumors are not true – repeat: False – that Fatty’s will have a beer tent open on the street for the hard-hard-core partiers. And for that, we hold a moment of silence.

OK. Enough silence.

See ya in the fall, Johnnie.

***

We’re off to the art museum to stare.


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