Good morning and welcome to Summit Up, the world’s only daily column seeing its coworkers in a whole new light – dim, sultry mood lighting, to be exact.
This was one of those conversations that you walk into mid-way and, taken out of context, could be really risque. In fact, however, this was a really risque conversation.
“I got caught with my fuzzy red handcuffs,” one Summit Up Staffer was saying.
“I got caught with a condom,” another said.
At this point, we basically decided to just keep listening and not throw anybody off track with our questions. Listening intently, we learned they were talking about going through airport security metal detectors with things they either didn’t think would get detected, or things they forgot they had at all.
And so, yes, we learned that one of these people owns a pair of fuzzy red handcuffs (it was one of those “Oh, I wanna ask so many questions, but do I really wanna know the answers?”-kind of moments) and the other had a foil-wrapped prophylactic in her pocket and didn’t want to take it out – especially after the third time through the metal detector.
We bring this all up today because we want to hear your embarrassing/humorous anecdotes. We promise not to use your name, unless you want us to use it, of course.
Send your funny tales on any topic to firstname.lastname@example.org, fax at (970) 668-0755 or recite them Garrison Keilor-style on the voicemail at (970) 668-3998 ext. 237.
We took a little cultural field trip this weekend, and spent a day celebrating Colombia’s independence. We tried some traditional foods, practiced our Spanish (as if we didn’t sound like we had a head wound already) and salsa-danced ’til our butt could shake no more.
We bring this up because it was there that we learned the Favorite Summit Up Expression of the Day: “No somos muchos, pero somos machos.” The best translation that preserves the play on words would be, “We’re not many, but we’re men.”
Practice that one and share it with your friends.
We received an anonymous e-mail responding to our discussions of water conservation the past few days. In case you haven’t heard, there’s a drought.
This writer, though, had a less than appetizing suggestion: “The toilet – even the new ones – are the biggest users of water. A guy will pee and flush at least a half-dozen times a day, a senior guy maybe twice that. To save water, PEE IN THE SINK, guys, and “flush’ it with a squirt or three from the faucet. Only maybe a pint at the most is needed, saving at least three quarts-plus for every pee – and five to 10 gallons a day! P.S. don’t tell others who use the sink you are doing this – they seldom are impressed!”
If anyone out there has invited us to a dinner party, we regret to inform you that all previous RSVPs on our part are canceled. Everybody’s heard the “If it’s brown flush it down, if it’s yellow leave it mellow” philosophy, but that’s taking it a little too far, if you ask us.
Here’s a big, hairy Scum Alert!! Scum Alert!! to the fungus-footers who destroyed the flower boxes and irrigation system at the Historic Park in Frisco. The public works team says the Frisco Flower Ladies work hard to keep the flora looking good around town and that taxpayers won’t be happy about having to pay an extra $500 to replace sprinkler heads because somebody needed kung-fu kicking practice.
The same goes to whoever played shotput at Summit High, using the windows as targets.
A plague of ulcers upon these delinquents, and if our karmic pull is working as well as we hope, they’ll all be drinking from the sink at the home mentioned above.
It’s Wednesday on this side of the International Dateline. We’re out trying to avoid becoming the hero in any embarrassing episodes …
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