Good morning and welcome to Summit Up, the world’s only daily column that isn’t even going to try to compete with the tabloids today.We’ll admit it, freely: We love to look at the tabloids. We mean, really, what else are you supposed to do while you’re standing in line at the grocery store or the gas station waiting for the bozo ahead of you to fill out his check? Are we supposed to stand there and watch some lady squirm while the cashier uses the PA to get a price check on foot medication?No. We know we can always amuse ourselves by scanning the headlines of Star or The National Enquirer. (But you can’t look inside, of course, lest someone we know sees us and thinks we actually buy that tripe.)But lately, we’d have to say, the tabloids have been in the doldrums. What, without Bill Clinton in office and stuffy Republicans holding a majority of the offices, there’s not much scandal there. And apparently, aliens are vacationing in some distant galaxy, on a planet where the cows and trailer park residents are a little more receptive to back-door probing.That was, until today. There we were, standing in line at the Loaf ‘N Jug, when the headline seemingly leapt from the page. It was so good, we had to do a double-take: “World’s First Bigfoot Hooker Tells All.”Yes, the Weekly World News scooped us here at the Summit Daily once again. From the pictures on the front page (again, we can’t look inside) this story has a bit of political scandal: Bill Clinton and Ted Kennedy are pictured in a limo, hanging out the window trying to pick up this sasquatch soiled dove. We guess those politicos like to get freaky with fur.Once we were able to catch our breath and pick ourselves up off the floor, we had to wonder if the editors at these rags aren’t sitting in an office somewhere throwing darts at a chart to come up with these headlines. We decided that, if there’s any way we’re ever going to be able to compete with the readership and circulation they get, we’re going to have to do the same thing. So, we set up six different spinning wheels, just like Wheel of Fortune, to help us come up with better topics for daily columns.Be sure to join us tomorrow, when we’ll be discussing “J. Lo” “sues” “Pope” for “stealing” “Elvis’ lost diary” at “wild stripper party.”Shocking, but true, ladies and gentlemen.***We here at Summit Up are tired of putting on our gloves after a long summer of disuse and finding the stink we left last March still exists. We know we probably shouldn’t have left them in our backpack when they were still wet, and we know we shouldn’t wear them when it’s 70 degrees outside in the spring, but we also know this: We don’t want them to smell like rotten underarms anymore.So, we need ideas. We need the one-and-only cure, aside from Dr. Scholls. Please help us. Otherwise, well, you don’t want to know the alternative. Just watch out before you shake our hands.***Brandy Stevens of Louisiana writes, “All ya gotta sniff and sniff till it comes out.”Uh, gee, Brandy! Thanks for your contribution!***To paraphrase our old friend and yoga instructor, Axl Rose, welcome to the jungle that is Friday in Summit Up Land, folks. Feel free to paraphrase your friends and enemies at firstname.lastname@example.org, fax at (970) 668-0755 or just leave a pair of phrases on the voicemail at (970) 668-3998, ext. 237.We’re out to lunch with JFK and Marilyn Monroe, or at least the psychic who’s channeling them for us …
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