Good morning and welcome to Summit Up, the world’s only daily column that won’t be watching football on TV anymore – not when we can watch stuffed animals play it.We have a few vidiots in the house. By “vidiot,” we mean people who spend an inordinate amount of time mastering the nuances of thumb-guided kung-fu chops, playing sports games sitting on the living room couch instead of playing them for real outside and traveling imaginary lands shooting arrows at goblins.This isn’t a completely horrible thing, however, as these same folks are somewhat savants when it comes to figuring out how to connect the DVD player to the TV and the stereo system and, heaven forbid, aliens come attacking out of the sky and we happen to have a remote-controlled missile defense system on the porch.
So there we were last night, when a couple of them sat down and decided to play a little football. We were all set to head to bed early (because the only thing worse than whiling away valuable hours of one’s life playing video games is watching other people do it), but then everything changed.The particular game they were playing gives you the option of playing, not with football players, but with the teams’ mascots – the entire 11 players. This, friends, was quite entertaining.You’d think it would be a rather simple affair. Not so: Try getting your receivers to catch an over the shoulder pass, especially when they’re “Pistol Pete” from Oklahoma State, with a 100-gallon cowboy hat on top of your three-foot-tall foam head. Try shucking and jiving to dodge defensive linemen when you’re the Middle Tennessee State University Lightning (which was some sort of mythical beast featuring a tail, wings and a head that looked like a cross between a horse and a rhinoceros). Kicking field goals and extra points isn’t so precise when you’ve got Ronald McDonald-sized shoes, you know.So now we’re starting a petition, which we’d like all of our good readers to sign, encouraging the NCAA and the NFL to rewrite the rules so that all football players have to wear a mascot costume. Not only would this provide adults with far more entertainment, it’s a good way to get the kids hooked on the sport – kind of like Disneyworld meets the Rose Bowl.
Send us your signatures at firstname.lastname@example.org, fax at (970) 668-0755 or just yell about how our idea would desecrate the hallowed American tradition of football on the voicemail at (970) 668-3998, ext. 237.***This isn’t completely an Angel Alert!! Angel Alert!! Like most things in life, it’s bittersweet.
Geno stopped by the office, wanting us to send out big thanks to the kind soul who returned his wallet. He lost it, put an ad in this here rag asking that if anybody found it to turn it in to the Frisco po-po, and they did. The downside here is that it didn’t have the money that was in it when he lost it. Such is life, we suppose.***It is, ladies and bobble-heads, Saturday. The password you’ll need would be “today is.” Repeat it 10 times to receive your instructions.We’re out, cross-eyed, watching the hoar frost form on our noses …
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