Good morning and welcome to Summit Up, the world’s only daily column looking for anyone who’s been a victim of “water rage.”
One of the staffers here wants to do a story about vandalism and nastiness related to all these water restrictions, drought worries and the addiction-like need to keep the lawn green. We thought that sounded like a pretty funny story, even if it is a serious subject. So, let us know if anyone’s been tying your garden hose in knots, plugging up your sprinkler with peanut butter or leaving cryptic water-dripping messages on your answering machine. And, no, the neighbor’s dog over-doing it on the nitrogen fertilization does not count as drought terrorism. Give us a buzz at firstname.lastname@example.org, fax at (970) 668-0755 or flush all your water burden on the voicemail at (970) 668-3998 ext. 237, and let us know how to get in touch with you.
And, while we’re on the subject, is there no end to the things Americans will “rage” about? It struck us after conversation with this staffer the trend does not bode well for the future of the species. The roads fill up, and suddenly everybody’s John Wayne. We run out of water and next thing you know everybody’s a radical conservation activist running wild in vigilante posses (the Earth Liberation Front must be loving this).
Why is it people can’t “rage” about things they should be upset about? Where’s the TV rage, and all the people throwing their neighbors’ sets off the roof because it’s poisoning their minds? Where’s the bipartisan-corporate-controlled politics rage, and people picketing senators’ summer homes in the Hamptons? No, we have to get upset because somebody cut us off on the highway and we spilled our Value Meal in our lap.
Of course, we shouldn’t bark so loud: It’s not a stretch to imagine Summit Up rage.
People think we’re crazy. Check out this e-mail we received:
“Dear journalist: You’ll find below various articles and material shedding more light on various aspects of the plans of the Mastersingers fomenting and abetting global economic and military mayhem.
“Exceptionally, I’m also including an attached picture of 2 stunning crop circles (what I also call cosmic glyphs) that appeared in England a couple days ago, within less than a few minutes each time according to local witnesses, as part of the decades-long campaign by extraterrestrial/extradimensional and – most obviously to me – benevolent beings as they gradually assert for us all to see their presence on this planet, presumably to gently prepare us psychologically for global first contact and our gradual raising up-to-speed with the rest of the universe.
“Of course, the puppets of the “Opposition’ still in power here on Earth do not want to lose control over their perceived dominion upon us all, which is why a strict news media blackout has been enforced and a sustained disinformation campaign and denial policy implemented in a futile attempt to keep the lid on this nevertheless unstoppable emerging reality.”
Well, since we printed it, you can’t say we’re “puppets of the “Opposition,'” now can you?
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