Good morning and welcome to Summit Up, the world’s only daily column teletransporting itself from the slopes of Breckenridge to the mountains of Brazil.We know it can be done, because the Air Force has paid for a study that proves the existence of psychic teleportation. And if the government paid for it, you know it’s got to be real.The study involves such things as bending spoons with the mind and using UFOs to get from place to place. But scientists apparently think the mind is more powerful than that, and are using it to travel.We like this idea a lot, primarily because it eliminates the need for jet travel, which can get kinda expensive, especially if you’re heading for a dive trip in the Bahamas and you’re sitting next to a kid with a cold that you’ll certainly catch. Colds ruin dive trips.So bring on the brain power and teleport yourself to Nassau. Imagine the blindingly white sand beaches, the scantily clad tan men, the foo-foo drinks brought to you by “Someone Who Cares.” This could be our life. And we’re going to live it.***We have just received word from some of our former Summit Up staffers who have up and left the High Country – gasp! – for the green, rolling hills of Asheville, N.C. They say the people are nice, the place is beautiful, they’re having trouble finding housing and jobs are a dime a dozen.
And they left here … why?Hmmm. Maybe it was all that teletransporting they were doing that was giving them headaches. Or maybe it was waking up to snow in August.***It’s that time of year again when you have to buy stuff for people under the guise of “The Holidays.” We find this to be extremely stressful, because the things we want to buy – boats, airplanes, submarines – are typically pretty expensive.We know this because in our nanoseconds of downtime, we shop eBay.But people are getting weird about it out there.For instance, there was that grilled cheese sandwich with the Virgin Mary’s likeness charred into the bread. That pup sold for $28,000. (We’ve been grilling ever since.)
Then there’s the poor little boy who’s being terrorized by his dead grandfather’s ghost, which holes up in his old walking cane. That can be had for $1.99 last we checked.Now there’s a very small market that purchases dead fetuses and babies, presumably for their oddities, such as being bi-headed. Some of these fetch up to $9,100! The one we saw was fetching 99 cents, with 12 minutes left on the bidding.We found a preserved cow eyeball, an item we do not recommend placing a bid on because we remember back in high school when our lab buddy missed a day of school and we brought her the lamb eyeball she was supposed to dissect. Her mother did not appreciate that we rolled it along the dinner table to our friend. The cow eyeball is up to $20.Another person is selling a squashed Schmidt’s beer can, saying it’s a road-kill pheasant, perfect for that hunter friend of yours who has everything. Yours for $1.99.Another is selling the X-rays of their hand, complete with depictions of capillaries and the soft shadows of flesh. Yours for $9.How about the guy from England who’s selling something “totally bizarre.” He wants 7,500 pounds for it, the equivalent of $14,500 or so, and there’s nothing for sale on the site! He does indicate that “it” is “used.”***
A Ptarmigan resident e-mailed us today’s Scum Alert!! Scum Alert!! and she’s hopping mad:”This SCUM ALERT goes out to the nose-picking, butt-scratching s-thead who decided it was OK to PARK on Ptarmigan Road P last Saturday and Sunday. “Ptarmigan Road P IS A ROAD! Parking on Road P creates a serious hazard for emergency vehicles and interferes with snowplowing. It’s not a parking lot because your piece-of-s-t truck won’t get your a- up the hill! “This Arkansas plated, Toyota 4×4 drivin’ a-hole, ignored the 18-inch by 24-inch NO PARKING sign, so my guess is he’s either illiterate, or he’s dumber than a box of hair! “Knock yourself out d-head … Have a modicum of consideration for your neighbors!”Ouch. We don’t need to say anything after that.***We out. Teletransporting ourselves off the www and heading to the slopes of Breckenridge. If you have any good news to tell us, give us a jingle-ringle-ring-ring at (970) 668-3998, ext. 237.
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