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Summit Up

Good morning and welcome to Summit Up, the world’s only daily column wondering whether hit men are busier during the holidays.We’re thinking about all those odd-ball vocations and whether or not they get slammed like we do around this joyous, oh-so-wonderful time of year.Do the drug dealers see an increase in traffic? How ’bout prostitutes? Maybe this is a horrible time of year for them, what with everyone counting pennies and scraping to make sure Santa can provide for the family. Guess it depends on what Santa provides for the family, huh?***This would be an Angel Alert!! Angel Alert!! Melinda from Denver writes: “I wanted to let you know about my recent experience at the Steaming Bean Coffee Shop in Silverthorne. “My husband and I had car trouble in the parking lot by OfficeMax and were told we would have to wait several hours for a tow truck to take us back to Denver. We went in to the coffee shop around 8:30 p.m. with the intention of staying until they closed at 9 p.m. “Melissa, the owner, wouldn’t let us leave until the tow truck showed up. She stayed open almost three hours past her normal closing time just so that we could have a warm, comfortable place to wait. On top of that, she fed us cheesecake and coffee and wouldn’t let us pay. That’s customer service and a great representation of Summit County.”***Ric Wilkins sent us a (supposed) conversation between a driver and an Onstar operator. Any of our readers who are as sick as we are of those insipid commercials for the driving navigation and emergency assistance service will appreciate this farce:ONSTAR: Onstar, Muammar speaking, how may I help you?WOMAN: Hey!ONSTAR: Yes, how may I help you?WOMAN: Freeeeeebirrrrrrrrrrd. I want to hear Freebird, can you put it on for me? It’s my favorite ZZ Top song.ONSTAR: (aside, to co-worker) Hey, check it out, line 2 blonde alert. This is Onstar satellite navigation, do you need help ma’am?WOMAN: Yeah, I’ve got this satellite music thing, and I want hear Freebird. It’s my favorite ZZ Top song. ONSTAR: Ma’am that’s a Lynyrd Skynyrd song.WOMAN: Yeah, yeah. I know what I’m talking about. I’m from Arkansas. I went out with both ZZ and Top. ONSTAR: Ma’am, I’m sure you’re right, but I thought ZZ Top is from Texas and Lynyrd Skynyrd is from Daytona Beach. They got their name from a gym teacher that was picking on them.WOMAN: Momo, you sound like a nice young man, but you don’t know what you’re talking about. I saw all the “Porky’s” movies. That was Angel Beach High School, and the gym teacher was Miss Balbricker. I know about this: I saw all of Belushi’s movies.ONSTAR: (to co-worker) Paris Hilton? Jessica Simpson?WOMAN: Moomoo, where are you, India or someplace? Wasn’t Custer enough for you; are you still mad about those treaties? We’re not giving the land back.ONSTAR: Umm, ma’am, we’re in Dallas. Do you need your car unlocked or directions?WOMAN: Dallas??? Never mind, I understand the problem now. I WANT TO HEAR FREEBIRD! Mojo, do this for me, please.ONSTAR: Yes, ma’am, I’ve got it now. I’m cueing up Freebird. I’ll send it to the satellite, and then I’ll turn the satellite towards your car. You’ll be hearing it in 10 seconds. Is there anything else we can do for you?WOMAN: Peace, out!***Ladies and gentlemen, we present Sunday: 24 hours long, bred and blended from the finest weekdays with a hint of procrastination and sloth, for the discriminating connoisseur of time. Place your orders at summitup@ summitdaily.com, fax at (970) 668-0755 or just inquire about our layaway plan on the voicemail at (970) 668-3998, ext. 237.We’re out of time …


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