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Summit Up

SUMMIT UP

Good morning and welcome to Summit Up, the world’s only daily column still gorged on turkey and mashed potatoes and cranberries and prunes, which should take care of the whole gorge problem all together in a few hours.It’s that time of year again, when everyone in the world compiles the News of the Year, the People of the Year, the Earwigs of the Year and the Darwin Awards, our personal favorite. The Darwin Awards, which are awarded, often post mortem, to the person who did humanity the most good by removing themselves from the gene pool, are awarded in May because May is a nice month.We can’t tell you what the No. 1 award winner did this year because it involves personal anatomy and massive quantities of alcohol – a common theme in the Darwin Awards list – but you can look it up yourself on the internet.Also on that site is a Field Guide to Kittens. It notes that kittens are cute, kittens are warm, kitten claws are sharp, kittens clean themselves (thank God) and kittens make rumbling noises that have yet to be explained by us, much less science.Millions of your taxpayer dollars have gone into trying to figure out what makes a kitten rumble, all to no avail.The most interesting part is: “The notion that kittens can be fabricated by throwing an adult cat at a cyclone wire fence is unsupported by evidence.”We digress. Again.***We have for your light-brained and -hearted entertainment the Top Ten International Pun Contest winners. OK if you’re like us and hate puns, bear with us. They are much better in written form than in verbal, as was made clear by a college friend we had who almost punned himself into the hereafter.Wesley Oliphant was his name (seriously) and the man had a pun for every situation. We had an answer for most of his puns, and, as we said, most of them involved the threat of his demise.But these are good:) A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, “I’m sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.”h) Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says, “Dam!”) Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can’t have your kayak and heat it too.l) A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.”But why?” they asked, as they moved off.”Because,” he said, “I can’t stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer.”) A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named Ahmal. The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him Juan. Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal.Her husband responds, “They’re twins! If you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Ahmal.”) Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him … a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.And finally …©) There was the person who sent 10 puns to his friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in 10 did.There you have it, folks. Your annual list of something or other.If you have a list, or want to tell us what your most horrid holiday gift was, give us a ring at (970) 668-3998, ext. 228. We out, flying a kite on the wings of our kitten …


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