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Summit Up

Good morning and welcome to Summit Up, the world’s only daily column that knew it was only a matter of time.

The smokers sued, so why shouldn’t obese people?

An article from the Associated Press in New York has us all riled up. A field agent in Monroe, Mich. e-mailed it to us just in case our outrage radar wasn’t up to full strength. The story goes like this:

Caesar Barber, 56, has filed a lawsuit in Bronx Supreme Court (which we somehow envision to be a lot like Gabe Kotter’s history class) in an attempt to sue McDonald’s, Wendy’s, Burger King and Kentucky Fried Chicken. Barber, who is 5-foot-10, 272 pounds, has had two heart attacks and suffers from diabetes, high blood pressure and high cholesterol. And, as you might have surmised, he blames the fast food companies for making him obese.

You will not believe these quotes from him: “They said “100 percent beef.’ I thought that meant it was good for you. I thought the food was OK. Those people in the advertisements don’t really tell you what’s in the food. It’s all fat, fat and more fat. Now I’m obese. The fast food industry has wrecked my life.”

His lawyer thinks the restaurants should list the ingredients and nutritional information on the labels. This lawyer obviously hasn’t been in any of these restaurants lately because the information is on the wall, and he obviously hasn’t seen his client, otherwise he’d know reading that information wouldn’t change his habits any.

Using Mr. Barber’s logic, it must be OK to eat at Taco Bell, Sonic and Carl’s Jr. – since he’s not suing them, they must serve healthy food.

We love people who play victim like this – it means we never have anything to fear from them because, to them, everything is beyond their control.

Now we just need to find ourselves a lawyer to file a class-action suit on behalf of all America. We’ll name all the major TV networks and cable channels for rotting our brains with sub-par programming that they knew stunk worse than the trash bins found behind the aforementioned eateries. We’ll get your check to you just as soon as we settle.

***

Congrats! go out to Casey Wilson. Wilson, a Summit High grad, earned her bachelor’s degree in computer science from Fort Lewis College in Durango at the last commencement ceremony.

Rock on, Casey. And if you wouldn’t mind, how do we encrypt our e-mail so John Ashcroft won’t be able to read it anymore?

***

It’s Sunday, so we’re probably lying in a ditch somewhere in ‘Zuma writing a new definition for “revenge” …


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