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Summit up

SUMMIT UP

Good morning and welcome to Summit Up, the world’s only daily column exploring new ways to communicate its humor and insight to you.We’re trying to break out of a rut, and we figured, what the heck, let’s use our linguistic prowess to awe you, make you laugh and, if we’re lucky, get you chortling in Finnish as you wet your pants.That is what you read this column for, right? (It’s long been suspected that we’re in cahoots with the diaper industry. We’ll say once and for all that, while we do receive a few cases here and there as payola, we’re happier with our readers high and dry, if you get our drift.)So let’s get down to it. We figure we need to use a few different tongues to reach more readers. In order to increase our circulation among grocery store clerks and retail packaging specialists, we’ve decided to write the bulk of today’s column in bar code. Or at least the punch lines. Try these zingers on your co-workers, folks:||||| ||| |||| ||||| ||? Peanut butter, because motorcycles don’t have doors!||| ||||| ||| ||||| || ||||| ||| |||| (||||| ||| ||||) ||||||| – ||| – ||||? Wrecked ’em? The priest told me I only had to say a “Hail Mary”!(Oh, that one always kills us.)OK, we realize this might not be fair to our readers who don’t have a bar code scanner, so here’s some in the reverse fashion:What’s the difference between Donald Rumsfeld and Lou Ferrigno? Why, ||||| || ||||||| ||||| ||| |||| !What do you get when you cross a Kiwi liftie and an Irish chicken farmer? Easy! ||| ||||| ||| ||||| || ||||| ||| !Oh, this is just too much fun. We should probably stop now.Be sure to join us tomorrow, when we’ll continue the humor parade in three different vowel-less Eastern European languages – Hawaiian, binary and hexadecimal. It’s sure to be a good time!***”Anybody want a weed calendar?”We hear this as we’re writing today’s column and suddenly we thought the Corporate Suites had just become much more laid-back. Especially since it was the boss handing them out. We should have known better. This is Summit Up Land, after all. So it wasn’t a “High Times Magazine” calendar, it was a noxious weeds calendar – you know, the thistly stuff they have to bring in the goats to eat. “The weeds are a big deal around here,” says the boss.You don’t say.***Are you ready for today’s News That Proves It Is Sometimes Better To Listen to the Voices In Your Head?See, for us, listening to the voices usually just gets us in trouble. They’re all, like, hey, you should set that on fire.Or, hey, Jodie Foster loves you, man, she loooooves you; write her a love note using those letters you cut out of that magazine. Or, tap your head three times and shut the door twice; and repeat; and repeat; and repeat. Hardly do the voices ever tell us anything really beneficial. Not so for one Clifford Maxwell. According to the New York Post, Maxwell was in his Brooklyn neighborhood riding the bus (isn’t it funny how all the people who hear voices are usually on the bus or in the subway?) when the voices told him to get off and buy a lottery ticket. This was odd for Mr. Maxwell, the story says, because he already had three tickets for that night’s drawing (it does not, however, quote Mr. Maxwell saying it was odd because, well, there were voices in his head). Anyway, he did buy a ticket, and was the sole winner of New York’s end-of-year $40 million lottery. He took the lump sum payment of just over $20 million, after taxes. The story doesn’t say if the voices told him not to take the annual payments.*** Thursday’s password is ||| ||||| || |||||. Be sure to pronounce it clearly, otherwise we’ll have to send a cashier over to assist you. Let us know how your powder day was yesterday at summitup@summitdaily.com, fax at (970) 668-0755 or just beep and boop your way on to the voicemail at (970) 668-3998, ext. 237.We’re out building snow caves in the plow piles …


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