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Summit Up

Good morning and welcome to Summit Up, the world’s only daily column wondering just what demographic it represents.

Perhaps our insistence on refusing to narrow the gender of our staffers and determination to live la vida low-budge is catching up with us: Upon perusing our e-mail Sunday, in the vain hope of finding something to write about, we realized 90 percent of our electronic mail fits into two categories: 1) solicitations to improve our financial standing and B) rethink our relationship with pornography. We’re more or less serious here. We’re constantly having to entertain offers of – and we swear this is in our inbox today. If only the barely legal youngsters we hear so much about via e-mail would help us refinance our mortgage.

It makes us wonder what kind of Web pages our fellow staffers have up simultaneously. It kind of makes us wonder what other editions of the Sharper Image catalog are out there. It also really makes us wonder why they keep talking about their Palm Pilots.

* * *

So, those who read this fine publication before lining their bird cages may have read a news item (or “story,” as we call it in the jargon of the upper echelons of the news-gathering industry) may have noticed the pope (or as we like to call him, “the pope,”) put it all out there, making a bold political stand by speaking out – get this – AGAINST priests who sexually abuse children.

Thus inspired, we’d like to make a similarly bold move: We’re coming out as pro-Lance Armstrong. It wasn’t too long ago we imagined French people sitting in cafes, relishing the advent of Zinadine Zidane, drinking Molson (hey – nobody ever said our stereotyping had to be accurate), saying:

” S (This requires audience participation, because we couldn’t figure out how to spell the evil French person laugh we were doing; suffice it to say the following few paragraphs should be pronounced, as Dave Barry taught us, like we’re sucking grits through a hose.) S Now that Greg LeMond is out of zee way, zere is no way zee Ameruhcans can ween zee tour. Bobby Julich?”

And now that Lance dominated for his fourth consecutive tour win, they’re saying he shouldn’t be allowed to race. Go fig.

* * *

“Beavis and Butthead” fans will be interested in this one: Feel free to call your buddies “bunghole.” It doesn’t mean what you think it does. A staffer reading the dictionary (insert nerd joke here) discovered that a bunghole is a hole in a barrel or keg through which liquid can be poured in or drawn out.

Next time you’re at a keg party and don’t feel like waiting in line, the preceding explanation should go a long way to clearing a path to the front.

* * *

We’re out finding more nationalities to upset, by jingo. Watch out for the bunghole S

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