Good morning and welcome to Summit Up, the world’s only daily column that thought no one could be more sick of spam e-mails than us.If you use e-mail as much as we do (which is a lot, since between the agoraphobia and restraining orders, there’s pretty much no one we can talk to face to face), you’ve got spam up to your eyeballs.We get notices about cheating, naughty housewives in our area (it’s a lie, trust us), cheap Viagra for our bedroom problems, even cheaper mortgages, Rolex watches (the kind Britney Spears just loves, apparently) and plenty of different scams involving dead people and huge sums of money hidden in African banks.
However, it appears we haven’t been getting nearly as many as our man Dan, field agent in charge of Fairplay and bus driving. Dan wrote an open letter to all these spammers we thought we’d share with you.”Thanks for all your e-mails,” he begins.”I want to thank all of you who have taken the time and trouble to send me your darn chain e-mail letters over the past two years. Thank you for making me feel safe, secure, blessed, and wealthy. Because of your concern:
“I no longer can drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains. I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put ‘Under God’ on their cans. “I no longer use Saran Wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer. I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS. “I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me. I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually al Qaeda in disguise. I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don’t support our American troops.”I no longer date the opposite sex because they will take my kidneys and leave me taking a nap in a bathtub full of ice. I no longer have any sneakers – but that will change once I receive my free replacement pair from Nike.
“I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me and St. Theresa’s novena has granted my every wish. Thanks to you, I have learned that God only answers my prayers if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes. (Jeez, the BIBLE did not mention it works that way!) I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl who is about to die in the hospital (for the 1,387,258th time). “Yes, I want to thank all of you soooooooo much for looking out for me! I will now return the favor. If you don’t send this e-mail to at least 1200 people in the next 60 seconds, a large bird with diarrhea will crap on your head at 5 p.m. this afternoon and the fleas of a thousand camels will infest your armpits. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of a friend of a friend!”(I will now remove my tongue from my cheek.) Signed, Dan.”We don’t know about you, but we’ve got to go forward this letter before the birds start strafing.
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