Good morning and welcome to Summit Up, the world’s only daily column that has newspaper space for sale.The columns are heavily used and well maintained, but dated. Think a handyman special, just waiting for the next Hemingway or Hunter Thompson to come along and jazz it up.The neighborhood is diverse with staid Community Notes neighbors on one side but wild-eyed letters to the editor on the other that tend to make noise far into the night. Pets are allowed, but only on Tuesdays when the Pet Page appears. $1.5M OBO.What prompts this drivel?
Well, we were perusing the Homes for Sale in the paper the other day, admiring the euphemisms Realtors use for the things they’re selling. We won’t even get into the multiple exclamation marks that only make us think nothing can ever be that good. But that might be the point.You know how it is. A total ruin is a “charming fixer-upper.” A cramped dwelling too small for two people to occupy simultaneously is called “cozy,” and a dilapidated slum is “quaint and rustic.” Or they can fudge the nature of the location by describing it as “on a quiet side street,” when the street might be quiet, but the four-lane highway on the other side is less so.Well, there’s a real estate broker in Norway who’s tired of the practice and has decided to just run with the truth.He ran an ad that said, “Gruesome two-room apartment with balcony. A very worn-out apartment.”
In what appears to be a case of honesty being the best policy, the man reports he’s already had an offer on the apartment.We have actually seen this honesty in action working.Back in the 1980s, when it wasn’t cool to stuff 14 snowboarders in a one-room shack, we had a friend who boasted of his shortcomings as a slumlord.The ads he ran in the paper went something like this: Slumlord seeks renters for two-bedroom townhome to share with seven others. Rent is high, place is a mess, nowhere near a bus line. First, last deposit and then some.
You would be amazed how many calls he received! It almost made us think about going into the slumlord business!***An anonymous field agent phoned in this Scum Alert!! Scum Alert!! and we have to rant especially hard on it, as it’s one of our biggest pet peeves.The female caller reports a huge stretch limo parked in the fire lane in front of City Market (she didn’t say if it was Breck or Dillon) on Wednesday.
Seems the occupants – “corporate guys,” she said – had nothing better to do than stand around their limo for a half-hour. Not only were they in the lane of traffic, but they were also partially blocking one of the handicapped parking spots and, yes, there was someone trying to get in it.Now, we know it’s, like, a 10-mile walk from the parking lot to the grocery store, and what with the horrible weather we were having that day, we can’t possibly expect these guys to park and walk like the rest of us (or for them to tell their limo driver, hey, why don’t you make some laps until we come out). But the rest of you should know better.And the karmic punishment? Our field agent had a pretty decent thought: “I hope all the Rogaine in the world doesn’t get them laid.”***We’re out bucking up …
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