Summit Up 9-30-10: Now in Pidgin Basque!
Good morning and welcome to Summit Up, the world’s only daily column that has to say a thing or two about customer service. It works! Just t’other day, we were at Business A looking to get a little extra help with someting and they said “No!” citing some policy. Went around the corner to Business B and they said “Sure!” Now Business B will have our business for years to come, while Business A won’t have the thousands of dollars we might have spent there over the coming years.
But at least they have their policy to keep them warm at night.
It’s a good lesson when you’re in business: Don’t say “no” unless you really, really have to. Like, if you’re an ice cream shop and someone says they’d like a double scoop of wolverine meatloaf on a cone made of mint-flavored pig leather, it’s OK to say, politely: “I’m sorry sir, but complying with that request would be impossible because A) we don’t have those ingredients and B) it would disgust me to the point of projectile vomiting. On the other hand, can I suggest a perhaps equally vile combination, such as mint-chip mixed with peanut butter and topped with licorice bits?”
Speaking of policies, we do have to inform you of some recent decisions from the Summit Up Central Corporate Suites. For one, we now require all communications written to us to be composed in pidgin Basque. If you do not know pidgin Basque, you can use the online translator at http://www.pidginbasquetranslator.com. We just tried it out and it works OK, except it did do a few funny things. Some examples:
“Hi, I’d like to get my wife’s birthday in Summit Up” came out as “Your wet tentacles are intruding upon my wife’s nipple ring; whiffle ball.”
And then when we typed in the pidgin Basque for “I have a Scum Alert going out to the low-down dirtbag that stole my bike from in front of the rec center,” we got instead “Those two shaved wiemeraners are whizzing on the unearned dogma of the prime minister of Pakistan over near the tool shed/nuclear fallout shelter.”
At any rate, we’ll understand that, when you send in stuff that’s been translated from the pidgin Basque into American English, it must then be fed into the pidgin Basque deconstructor translator engine, which is, oddly enough, located under an almost-full bottle of Frangelic that’s been collecting dust on the top shelf since 1978.
(Random note: Checking online to see what a search for “Pidgin Basque” might yield, we came across this gem: “James Axtell writes that the oldest pidgin language in North America between Europeans and Indians was that which originated with the exchanges of Basques and Native Americans in the 16th century of eastern Canada.” Who knew?!
Our second policy to inform you of concerns upcoming elections. The last day to register to vote is this coming Monday, Oct. 4! If you have not registered and are eligible to do so, then get on it, doggonit! If you are not registered to vote, you will not be allowed to send any crap for inclusion in Summit Up, and even if that doesn’t bother you much, know that we will silently scorn you and your ilk for years to come.
Voting is fun, we think. It’s cool. It’s patriot-y. It’s important. And, perhaps best of all, it’s free! Where else can you enjoy minutes of democratic fun without spending a dime? Plus, you get a cool little “I Voted” sticker – unless you vote with a mail-in ballot, in which case we recommend you make your own “I Voted” sticker by cutting out the thingy we’ve put on the page here, then smearing the back of it with about a half-gallon of high-quality mucilage-style glue. That way it won’t fall of when you’re in the bar after the polls close bragging to all the babes about your voting excellence as you spill Jaegermeister all down your shirt.
And there it is. We out.
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