Good morning and welcome to Summit Up, the world’s only daily column that’s walking funny.See, in order to celebrate the word “wedgie” being inducted into Webster’s New World College Dictionary, we decided to relive our locker room days, when jocks played the nerds like trombones. The tighter you pull, the higher the note.When we heard the news, we remembered that first time somebody grabbed onto our shorts and raised them to the heavens. And, of course, we remember the sharp pain that soon followed.But, pain is not the “essence” of a wedgie. It’s humiliation. And, to you Mr. Zambrano, the ugly oaf in eighth grade, we say “Thanks for the memories.” We only hope no one in fifth-period history noticed our strange little wobble of a walk, which, in a bizarre moment of curiosity, we tried to simulate recently.When we did, we felt like drunks, which was followed by that adolescent sense of bitterness. We found ourselves wishing Mr. Zambrano a fun trip to prison, where he can develop a funny walk of his own.Yet these small details are not included in the dictionary’s definition, yet we feel this is what truly defines a “wedgie.”Their definition: “Wedgie (n): A prank in which the victim’s undershorts are jerked upward so as to become wedged between the buttocks.” Our addition: “… commonly used in public schools to separate our students into two groups: those who give, and those who get.”Regardless of the shortcomings with their definition, the dictionary execs decided to add 58 brand-new entries, including “Al Qaeda,” “blog,” “cargo pants” and “irritable bowel syndrome.” We’re betting on next year’s words: wet willie (wet finger in ear), ginormous (huge) and Jacko (insane clown).***In case you were wondering, nobody got stoned in the Bible. For years, scholars have read the sacred text in hopes of finding the meaning of life, to predict cultural changes and to find ammunition for defending “right” from “wrong.”And, apparently, getting stoned is “wrong,” which has 15 scholars in England in a tiffy. Many people were “stoned” in the Bible and so, to clarify that the writers meant “to be beaten with rocks” instead of “to smoke pot,” they’ve suggested a radical change.In an attempt to clear up any confusion on the part of Britain’s youth, Today’s New International Version Bible, published on Tuesday, updates the original edition, published 27 years ago, so that people are “stoned to death,” rather than “stoned.”Scholars may sense other political correctness in the changes. Out goes terminology such as “he,” “man” and “men,” replaced by “person” or “people.” In comes an attempt to dispel anti-Semitic interpretations of the New Testament. John 5:16 now reads “Jewish leaders,” rather than Jews, “began to persecute Jesus.”And, the Guardian reports, “about 7 percent of the original New International Version Bible has been altered in a bid to bring clarity to a new generation of readers.”We don’t know about you, but we’re stoked.***Now every so often, we get a good-natured Angel Alert!! Angel Alert!! that makes us realize how connected we are as humans. How a little bit of advice can go a long way – like saving a life.See, Joanne from Silverthorne was driving away from work the other day when she came to a red light. She stopped, and as the light changed, a voice popped into her head. It belonged to Buddy, her old friend at the Department of Motor Vehicles.He said: “Look right, then look left. And, before you turn, look right and left again.”So, before cruising through her turn, she took one more glance and saw a truck barrel through the stoplight.”It would have hit me,” Joanne said. “God knows why his voice popped into my head, but thank God it did.”She wants to share Buddy’s advice and, along the way, award thousands of karma points to Buddy.***We’re still looking for anthems for Summit County. If you can pen a tune and slap some lyrics over the top, sing them on our voicemail at (970) 668-3998, ext. 237. We’re out … until tomorrow.
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