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Summit Up


Good morning and welcome to Summit Up, the world’s only daily column that can’t wait for the next reality TV series based in Colorado’s own Supermax prison.Really, when you think about it, you couldn’t script a fictional sitcom this well: If you didn’t know already, Colorado has a super-duper, maximum-security facility for the lock-’em-up-and-throw-away-the-key caste of American society. (Cue first bit of laugh-track.)Just check out some of the inmates over in Florence: Ted Kaczynski, probably better known to you as the “Unabomber” (probably the straight man in the comedy routines, we’re guessing); Terry Nichols, co-conspirator convicted in the Oklahoma City bombing (definitely the grumpy, fussbudget, Felix Unger of the cast); Ramzi Yousef, mastermind of the 1993 World Trade Center bombing (because every sitcom needs a character of color for the occasional I’m-not-from-this-country-your-culture-confuses-me jokes); and, last but thankfully not released, Jeffrey Scott Durham, who while a fugitive for a series of armed bank robberies he committed throughout the ’90s, appeared on “The Jerry Springer Show” with his transvestite lover. (Aaaaaand cue laugh-track.)But every formula sitcom script needs a little bit of trouble, so this is where the hair-brained castmember barges through the door, breathless, with bad news: Second-hand smoke is killing the inmates! (Most of whom will be incarcerated until the next century!)You wish we were making this up, but several of them are suing the prison. Recently, a judge dismissed a couple of the claims, but others are ongoing. Never mind that the Bureau of Prisons banned indoor smoking last year. (Cue laugh-track chuckle.)We’ll leave it to our readers to write the cute-and-cuddly, neatly-tied-with-a-bow resolution that wraps this episode up. Just make sure the lovers end up forgiving each other and every cast member has a new appreciation for how special and lucky they are.***This is one of the best Angel Alerts!! Angel Alerts!! we’ve ever heard. Charles e-mailed us Saturday, hoping we could send mucho kudos to the skiers and boarders and a certain Breckenridge Ski Resort bus driver, all of whom went out of their way in the name of heroism and compassion. See, Charles hasn’t skied at Breck in some years. Thursday, he happened to be there when he got a page to go rescue someone caught in an avalanche on Quandary. Charles is a member of Summit County Rescue Group. Well, Charles got on the wrong bus when he dropped every thing to go to the aid of those involved, and he ended up at one of the pay parking lots. After he got off that bus to get on the right one, the driver stepped off and said that he and the passengers on the bus wanted to take him to the other lot.”This, of course, took both the bus and the riders in the wrong direction from their destination,” Charles writes. “Their kindness allowed me to be at the avalanche scene much earlier than I would have been otherwise. Many thanks to those riders (who appeared to be tourists) and the bus driver.”Right on, folks.*** It is, without a doubt, folks, Sunday. We advise you to watch out for errant rabbit pellets today. If you do step into some trouble, seek help at, fax at (970) 668-0755 or tell us how there’s nothing to worry about, it’s just malted milk balls, on the voicemail at (970) 668-3998, ext. 237.We’re out adapting some of these Shakespearean comedy plots into Supermax soap operas …

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