Good morning and welcome to Summit Up, the world’s only column thinking about mullets (of course), nose pelts and unibrows.Mullets. Need we say more? Unibrows: the single slug-like line of hair over the eyes. And nose pelts: Those long, long hairs men sometimes miss while shaving.Just think: If you had all three, you’d be da bomb.???We’re hoping to find a better word, and we’re hoping the fine folk of Summit Up Land will help us out.There are plenty of bad words out there; Lord knows we’ve discussed them over the years. There’s phlegm and artichoke and cadaver and 40-hour work weeks.But a faithful Summit Up reader called us this week asking for us – because we are the definitive source of new words – to come up with a word to replace “ex,” as in “ex-wife,” or “ex-husband.” Our faithful reader likes his ex-wife, and hates referring to her as an “ex.” If the French can refer to our mother-in-laws as bonne meres – a lyrical word that flows from the lips – certainly there must be a word that more politely describes the woman or man someone has dumped.””Ex’ makes her sound like a cast-off or something,” the faithful reader said, missing the obvious.We suggested “former” (too cumbersome and too PC, he said), and then we were stumped.We then referred to our handy-dandy Internet translation guide and came up with: (of course, this language could be completely wrong, considering it came from the Web, but hey, it gives us options…)) ex-esposa (Spanish)6) ex-moglie (Italian)t) ex-frau (German)B) ex-expouse (French)For “divorced one,” we got:) geschieden einem o (German)o) quello divorziato (Italian)Y) divorciado (Portuguese)For “The woman I dumped after years of marriage,” we got:V) La mujer que discargue depues de aos de la union (Spanish)) Die Frau, die ich nach Jahren der Verbindung entleevte (German)u) La feem que j’ai videe apres der annees de mariage (French)We vote for “Moglie divorciado.”???Today is – you guessed it! – Election Day! Get ye to the polls! Cast thee a vote! Watch those chads! And get a free “I Voted” sticker.We here at Summit Up can’t tell you who to vote for, but we’d advise you to avoid write-in candidates such as Kenneth Lay and “my friend Russ’ dog Jack.”This is serious stuff, folks, and requires your serious attention.???We’re going to go way back in time to the days when life was simple and adults were toxic. At least, that’s what we’re lead to believe by reading a passage from Keeping Hearth and Home in Old Colorado, a practical primer for daily living, which is a compilation of good down-home advice from the late 1800s.? Where should the infant sleep? Never in bed between parents. When placed between the parents, the infant must constantly inhale the poisonous emanations from the bodies of two adults.T) Never speak loudly to one another, unless the house is on fire.3) Wash without shampoo. The head should be washed at least once a week, but shampooing is a great detriment to the beauty of the hair. Soap fades the hair, often turning it yellow.c) Prevent burying a loved one alive. Since there are no reliable methods for determining death and new chemical and industrial methods of putting people in comas are multiplying in society, the fear of burial alive is very real. Place a lid on the coffin, and directly over the face of the body inside, place a tube that extends from the coffin up and over the surface of the grave. The tube contains a ladder and a cord. One end of the cord is attached to a bell on the top of the tube so if a person is interred before life is extinct, he can, on recovery to consciousness, ascend from the grave by the ladder, or ring the bell. If, on inspection, life is extinct, the tube is withdrawn and the sliding door closed.#) Nursing women should not give way to temper. Anger, anxiety, suspense, fear, terror and undue conditions of any kind will turn the milk to poison.() To clean draperies: Draperies and tapestries hung upon the walls may be cleaned by pouring gasoline into a shallow pan and brushing them with this by means of a soft brush or whisk broom.$) When traveling over the Plains, don’t discuss politics or religion, nor point out places on the road where horrible murders have been committed.c) Don’t laugh when husband’s collar button rolls under the bureau.) A hearty laugh and determination to see the “funny side” makes a very good sauce for a burnt pudding.%) Add a glass of wine just before taking up tongue a la terrapin.Mmmmm. Terrapin.
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