Summit Up: Covered by pasties
Good morning and welcome to Summit Up, the world’s only daily column that was reflecting on how, even with a few million bucks in the bank and Academy Award on your mantle, it doesn’t keep all the normal, everyday garbage of life from floating in your front door. Yep, we were hearing just Thursday about how Sandra Bullock’s husband Buttknocker Hosebag (aka Jesse James) was apologizing for cheating on her.
Sheesh. Cheating is bad enough, but did this guy really think he’d be able to wriggle free from being found out? He’s the husband of a woman who has an army of photographers following her around all day. You might as well try to hide the fact that you like to skateboard around Hollywood nude with an Apache headdress on whilst singing the Battle Hymn of the Republic in Swedish.
Speaking of the nude thing, we were chortling Thursday about a story in the Boulder Camera about this nudist woman in Boulder who likes to garden in the buff. Seems some folks saw her and called the cops. Now, other than the fact that she was 52, we don’t know much about this woman other than her name is Catharine Pierce and that she got in trouble previously by gardening only in “pasties and a thong.” Pasties, BTW, are these old-fashioned stripper things you sorta glue onto your nipples because, as everyone knows, it’s not an exposed breast if the nipple isn’t in evidence.
Anyway, the funny thing about Catharine gardening is that, technically, she wasn’t nude – only topless and wearing the ol’ thong – which doesn’t fall into the category of “exposed genitals.” The cops, then, just sorta suggested she put on a shirt because there were kids playing at the school across the street.
Personally, we think if you want to go around in (mostly) your birthday suit, you should pick another activity than gardening, which entails thorns, dirt, worms, poky plants and other stuff. But that’s just us.
And it goes to show you, ya can’t even cavort topless in Boulder without the Man comin’ ’round!
So it’s March Madness time! Woo-hoo! Weeee! Yeah, college hoops y’all!
(sound of snoring)
Sorry about that. The Summit Up writer who actually likes college hoops will be around in a day or two. In the meantime, you’ll have to generate your own excitement. We may not know or care who all’s playing, but we hope all of you who filled out those little bracket things and put money in the bar or office pool come out the other end with a pile of dough.
Other March things to watch for include:
• The first day of spring, March 21 (woo!)
• Ides of March, March 15 (you missed it, but you can make up for it by reenacting the death of Julius Ceasar using a banana and some ketchup. Please send photo if you do to email@example.com).
• Swallows (birds) return to San Capistrano, March 19. Really? Every year on this exact day? How do they know? What about leap years, etc.?
• Harry Houdini’s birthday, March 24 (do not celebrate by immersing yourself upside-down in water wearing a straightjacket, but imagine what that would be like)
• Major League Baseball season starts, April 4
MILLIONS OF SUMMIT UP READERS: That’s not in March.
SU: Yeah, but we’re not sure we’ll do another one of these stupid lists anytime soon, so we thought we’d squeeze it in. Besides, what are you all,
communists or something you don’t care about Opening Friggin’ Day! Heretics!
Are there still communists around, BTW? We heard that there are almost as many billionaires in China as there are in the U.S. nowadays. What word are we supposed to use to demean anyone who doesn’t share our notion of what it means to be a “real” American? Hmmmm … maybe it’s just as well we don’t have a handy one anymore. Bogeymen are tough to keep up with …
OK, we have here a Smarty Pants Alert! going out to Lauren Elizabeth Frykholm of Breckenridge and Hilary Shaw Morris of Dillon, both of whom got on the Dean’s List (the good Dean’s List, that is) for the fall semester at Seattle Pacific University. That’s a 3.5 GPA – nice work, ladies! Keep it up.
It’s Friday. Enjoy the (hopefully) new snow!
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