Summit Up June 11, 2010: Better than a crappy spy flick!
Good morning and welcome to Summit Up, the world’s only daily column that sometimes wishes life were like the plot of a bad spy flick. For example, if someone asked you “how’s it going up there?” you could, instead of saying “Oh, just fine, business as usual” go into an extended narrative about the action of the film/your life thus far – as such:
“Milton Bagbaum was a Serbo-Croatian astrophysicist who escaped to Dillon with the plans for a secret particle accelerator branded onto his left buttock with a coat hanger. Along with his dreadlocked assistant Nina who only ever wore a bikini, Milton then made his way to Breckenridge, where he found Thomas Cliff, a CIA operative also working for the Stasi who held him at gunpoint until Milton dropped his pants and made a copy of the plans/his butt using a Xerox machine at the library. Cliff then erased Bagbaum’s buttocks using a powerful acid, which he then used to disfigure his own face so he could make his way over the pass to Hartsel, where he met eccentric Basque bellydancer Irma Sutz, also a double agent for the CIA and the Stasi and, unbeknownst to Cliff, a triple agent working for the agricultural conglomerate Archer Daniels Midland. After a fierce shootout near Alma, Sutz escapes with the plans for the particle accelerator as well as with the genetic code for a type of corn hybrid that would produce kernels capable of making cows produce beef that tastes like chicken. Later, crossing the Italian alps into Germany, Sutz is killed by Liam Bongini-Franz, an agent for the Mossad as well as ag giant Monsanto, who subdues her with a potent blast of Roundup-brand herbicide which he shoots from a fake lapel flower after first wooing her, marrying her and promising her a timeshare condo in Frisco. Arriving in Vienna, Bongini-Franz sells the plans for the cow-chicken corn code to Belgian rapper Francine Ping!, who in turn offers to marry him if he can offer her a timeshare in Colorado Ski Country. This they do, followed by the sound of wedding bells and nuclear explosions as the cows turn to chickens and the particle accelerator speeds up global warming. The End.”
(Nerdily inspired by ‘The Story of the Film So Far’ by Eric Idle on Monty Python’s ‘Album of the Sountrack of the Film of Monty Python and The Holy Grail.)
See? fun, eh? And if you replace your boring real-life details with this kind of crap, just think what you can do with other speaking opportunities such as first-man speeches, Rotary addresses and such.
So today is Friday, which can mean only one thing: the Dillon Farmer’s Market is back for the summer! Yep, the annual rite of summer start at 9 a.m. today and runs to 2 p.m. and features fresh produce, food items, artwork and jewelry and, oddly enough this year, plans for secret particle accelerators written on the skins of Colorado lambs using heirloom tomato juice. Go figure!
We jest, of course. No particle accelerator plans, but plenty of great stuff you should check out. You can even scare up a pretty good lunch over at the Dillon Farmer’s Market, so get thee thither! (And if you can say that without lisping you will win a free tablespoon of tahini from, uh, some guy over there.)
OK, that’s enough. Enjoy the weekend! We out.
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