Summit Up: June 4, 2010: Come protest in our parking lot!
Good morning and welcome to Summit Up, the world’s only daily column that can’t stop thinking about that oil gushing out of the Gulf. We heard they had robots with diamond saws (cool!) down there doing something, but it’s still a gusher. Also, oil is mucking up the marshes along the coast, and we’re not sure how that’s ever going to get cleaned up. At one point a few weeks ago everyone was donating hair, but one of the Summit Up Central Staffers just popped into our office and said he heard they’re no long using hair for those containment booms (he said this while rubbing his prickly scalp from where he’d recently been shorn to donate to the effort, Bitter? You bet!).
In other gusher news, we hear some folks are boycotting BP gas stations and/or showing up at BP gas stations to protest. Of course, when you do something like that, you are not drawing the attention of folks like BP CEO Tony “I Want My Life Back” Hayward but, rather, Billy Funkmyer, who works behind the counter and knows only one thing for sure: how many pumps of cheese sklarge you’re allowed on your “nachos” before it’s an extra 50 cents.
This presents something of a dilemma for the BP protester, and even more of a problem for the would-be Summit County boycotter – we don’t have a BP station around here! Of course, since we don’t have a BP, it can be said that we are all currently boycotting the hell out of BP without ever having to lift a finger (or, rather, not lift a gas shooter hose-handle thing [what do you call that thing on the pump that you actually stick into your car anyway? The petrol injector? The gas penis? Can we say “penis” in a family column like this? Aaggh! We said it again!])
Where were we? Oh, right: not enough BP stations around here. So we were thinking that if anyone really wanted to stage a BP protest here locally, we’d be happy to offer up the services of the Summit Up Central Corporate Suites here in Frisco. Here’s the dealio: If more than five folks show up here, we’ll hang a sign on our front door with the BP logo on it and pretend the Summit Daily building is a BP gas station. Just don’t come inside looking for Slim Jims or Slush Puppies or anything, cuz all we’ve got here is some bags of snack food that expired a month or so ago. You have to come prepared with picket signs, pitchforks, torches and any other protest-y stuff you can think of. Heck, you can even wear your tri-cornered tea party hat if it’ll make you feel better. You are not, however, allowed to throw rocks through our window or harass our employees (remember, they are not actually BP employees, so take a little poetic license here and there). Frisco cops, you may want to stock up on tear gas, rubber bullets and recharge the water cannon just in case things get outta hand.
If all that sounds utterly ridiculous and impractical to you, you can always “like” the Boycott BP Facebook page or send your wacky idea about how to stop the leak to Avatar director James Cameron or washed-up actor Kevin Costner – both of whom are doing something or other regarding the leak-gusher underwater thing. Or, as Jon Stewart suggested on the Daily Show, see what you can do to convince Aquaman to telepathically command the dolphins to swim into the hole and plug it.
But we all know dolphins are too smart for that.
Gotta run, have a great Friday!
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