Good morning and welcome to Summit Up, the world’s only daily column starting a nonprofit charity to buy kids belts.
But you won’t have to donate to this charity. We figure we’ll be able to buy plenty of belts after we sue the makers of the belts. Why sue the belt-makers? Because, obviously, they’re making a defective product.
We imagine most of our readers have seen a sight such as the one pictured somewhere on this page: Boxers (or worse) showing out above pants that hang perilously low below the waste. They hang so low you almost wonder if some high school kid hasn’t used a science fair project to figure out some sort of anti-gravity machine. How, we ask, do they even stay up? How is it there is no de-pantsing epidemics in our schools?
But do not get angry at the kids. It’s not their fault. In fact, these children are victims. They need your help. Unscrupulous accessory manufacturers are selling them products that just don’t work. It could be the buckle. It could be the loops on the pants. It could be that the belt material is just too stretchy. We’re having our consumer affairs scientists run some tests to figure who exactly is to blame, and then we’ll sue their pants off.
There is, of course, the possibility that the kids are doing this on purpose. Some of our readers will probably point out that those hippity-hoppers, the whaddayacallthem … rappers … they like to wear their pants low. Assuming they mean to wear them that way and that they, too, aren’t victims of defective belts, they could be the ones to blame.
We will admit that this could be true. Why, just look back in time at all the fashion mistakes other generations have made. For the Generation -ers, it was parachute pants and hairstyles influenced by David Lee Roth. The generation before them fell victim to bell bottoms and shirts with puffed-up sleeves. The generation before that is responsible for everything tie-dyed. We all make mistakes apparently.
But this doesn’t have to go on. We need to explain to these kids what it’s going to feel like when they look back at their high school yearbook and realize what they were wearing. We must do it. We shall.
If you’d like to help with this important, patriotic effort, send your check or money order to firstname.lastname@example.org, fax at (970) 668-0755 or just leave your account and bank-routing information on the voicemail at (970) 668-3998, ext 237.
We’re out pulling up the pants of this country’s children …
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