Vampires and werewolves don’t mix |

Vampires and werewolves don’t mix

Kimberly Nicoletti and Richard Chittick

“Underworld” is loud. It is violent.

It diminished my thoughts to one-syllable words, and I wanted to walk out within the first five minutes.

Then it turned disgusting and ridiculous. And I wanted to run out of the theater.

The guy who handed us our tickets at the Skyline Cinema called it perfectly: “You’ll love it, she’ll hate it,” he said to Richard. But he failed to warn me about the outrageous volume of the endless heavy metal music, gun shots and animalistic grunts.

The movie assaulted my senses. Visually, the graphic violence revolted me. And, the incessant noise may have done permanent damage to my ears. By the last scenes (which, surprisingly enough, exploded with – that’s right – violence), I had curled up in a ball in my seat – knees to chest, hands to ears – just so I could stay until the annoying end. (Where they set us up for a sequel – God forbid.)

I enjoy a good vampire movie here and there, but not when its sole existence relies on gory violence. Director Len Wiseman put thought into the sets and costumes, which apparently took up any time he might have dedicated to dialogue, character development and storytelling.

There’s nothing subtle or seductive about “Underworld,” and that’s where it misses the mark. It’s just an in-your-face war between vampires and werewolves. When the director needs to advance the plot, he plops a character on the screen to tell the audience what he failed to show earlier.

The fight scenes borrow from the slow motion and aerial stunts of “The Matrix,” but Wiseman doesn’t commit to making the scenes fascinating. Instead, he defaults to using an arsenal of guns and fake blood.

Originally, producers pitched “Underworld” as a “Romeo and Juliet for vampires and werewolves,” but I can’t imagine a worse insult to Shakespeare. Love affairs don’t evolve without dialogue, and “Underworld” relies on animalistic aggression rather than useful dialect, so the love story “bites.”

In fact, it takes 15 minutes of senseless shooting for a character to utter the first sentence. Fittingly, it’s: “You’re acting like a pack of rabid dogs.”

It was Richard’s idea to see “Underworld,” and I went along with it because he’s the new guy. But just remember, Richard: Revenge is sweet. I’m reveling in the thought of dragging you to the next sappy, sentimental, three-hour-long chick-flick I can find.

Kimberly Nicoletti can be reached at (970) 668-3998, ext. 245, or by e-mail at

Yeah, but it was fun to see all them guns

Richard Chittick

I have to admit that I kind of liked Underworld. That, however, should in no way be construed to mean that it’s a good movie. It’s a movie about visuals, special effects and attractive women in flattering clothing.

It’s really a movie for two types of people – those who are into fantasy and science fiction, and guys.

A basic synopses reveals that the movie is centered around a 1,000-year-old war between the vampire clan and the werewolf clan, the latter referred to throughout the movie as “Lycans.”

Kate Beckinsdale stars in the lead role of Selene, a vampire charged with the status of “death-dealer,” a sect of vampires singled out to exterminate the werewolves.

Selene stumbles onto a plot by the Lycans to try and dismantle the current authority held by the vampire elders which centers around Michael Corvin. Corvin is a human who is apparently of the same bloodline as the man from which both vampires and werewolves descended, a mythical figure named Corvinus. Corvin spends 90 percent of the movie being a person who everyone but Selene wants to kill.

From there, everything spins in a wild circle of guns, explosions and a few fist fights until everyone is dead but Corvin and Selene and the premise for a sequel is laid squarely in place.

So back to my generalization – this movie is for guys. As Kim puts it, the guy who let us into the theater knew she would hate it and I would like it.

It’s not that the average girl in Summit County can’t enjoy a decent action flick, just that there really isn’t a reason to try and enjoy this one.

The plot line is choppy and buried in the visuals, and the love story is a useless, contrived part of the movie that gets quite botched long before the ending. Granted, there are some goth chicks down in Denver who are going to love this movie, but that’s about it. Sure, Kate Beckinsdale is all decked out in latex, but given a choice, I’d rather spend time staring at Carrie Anne-Moss in any of the Matrix movies.

As for the ending, I knew what was going to happen to Corvin within minutes of meeting him, and the one effort to add twist to the movie didn’t really surprise me. It really is just a shoot-’em-up, bang-’em-up movie with a lot of blood and very loud music.

Oh, and as for that chick-flick, sorry Kim. I probably have to cover a hockey game or something.

Richard Chittick can be reached at (970) 668-3998, ext. 236, or at

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