Worse than a cheesy chick flick
Rarely do I rate movies less than two stars. But the only thing “Transporter 2” delivers is a short movie – at 88 minutes the drudgery of sitting through it passes quickly.Or maybe it was watching “Transporter 2” with Dan that made it bearable. We decided it’d be a great movie to feature on “Mystery Science Theater 3000” because you can’t help but make jokes about the absurdity of it all. I suggest you hire Dan out for the sheer entertainment of his commentary if you’re going to see this film.The list of ludicrous scenes starts with a blonde whose heels are as spiked as her personality. She obviously learned to shoot guns from those violence-infused-with-sex-object video games, because she can only blast away when she’s dressed in a black lacy bra and panties, or the equivalent. Even her boyfriend has to tell her to “Get dressed.”Then there are the chase scenes. Just when you thought there was nothing new under the hood, Hollywood finds ways to present compelling chase scenes – I’d add the icy chase in “Four Brothers” to Dan’s list of great chases. So I expect a movie filled with fuel-injected pursuits to surprise me at least once.But the chases in “Transporter 2” are simply ridiculous: Hero Frank Martin (Jason Statham) sees the bomb under his car but decides to get in anyway. Luckily for him, the car rockets up an incline, rotates and miraculously snags the bomb with the hook of a crane. The hook safety pulls the bomb off the car, and the car lands upright, like a cat with nine lives.And so goes Frank’s fortune. Props throughout the movie help him do his job: A truck allows him to quickly scale from street level to the top of a bridge. A fire hose wraps up bad guys. A jet ski launches Frank from the water to the back of a school bus driving down the street. Oh, and somehow he’s able to continuously stand upright and fight an evildoer as the plane he’s in spirals nose first into the ocean.While the action scenes are over-the-top, the plot remains ordinary. Sure, there’s a twist to the guys with bad accents kidnapping the kid (it’s not just for money), but there are too many holes and preposterous scenes to create any suspense.Just like “Monster-in-Law” might be the ultimate in cheesy chick flicks, “Transporter 2” is the ultimate in mind-numbing action movies. My only question is whether it’s worse to be a woman watching a brain-dead movie meant for men, or to be a man watching a sappy, ditzy chick flick.
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