Biff Amerika |

Biff Amerika


For an intelligent, engaging,

Republican woman. Sense of humor and excellent public speaking skills essential. This is an entry-level position for a comely conservative to

gain a foothold in the exciting

world of low-rent television. Short

hours and shorter pay; NPR

listeners need not apply.

Those words (more or less) appeared on “Help Wanted” cards placed on job boards around Summit County. You’d think there would be a fair amount of interest from young Republicans. Not the case. The line of applicants was as short as a list of profitable businesses run by G.W. Bush.

I know there are attractive and articulate GOP gals out there, Condoleeza Rice, Mary Matalin and Eva Braun, to name a few. Since none of them were likely to work for ski-lift tickets, we still had a pair of conservative jack-boots to fill.

I host a show Called “Summit Speak Out” on a small, gerbil-powered television station in the mountains. We like to think of ourselves as a high-altitude “Meet the Press,” with less funding and worse grammar. I’m joined weekly by a cast of mountain and Front Range media types. Most of the panelists hover in the middle politically. I, on the flip side, carry pictures of Hillary Clinton and Che Guevara in my wallet.

In the past, my liberalism was offset on camera by a young female newspaper editor who, though I suspect she was secretly sensual, could play the political prude. The young editor made her parents proud by marrying a sports reporter and moving to a community where the economy isn’t gauged by annual snowfall.

Her leaving left a huge void on the panel. There is nothing worse than a pack of middle age, white bread, bleeding hearts, pontificating on the good karma of social welfare without a balance of Grand Old Party laissez-faire capitalism.

In keeping with the prevailing major network’s policy of casting feminine charms as the foil of bloated male louts, our station felt we needed an attractive Republican, and we needed one fast.

We found that locating a young conservative in the hedonistic world of a ski resort is akin to finding a good bagel in Palestine. Not content to wait for them to come to us, I staked out book burnings, church picnics and gun shows – to no avail.

The few applicants we did have were lacking either the political, or on-camera requirements; one didn’t even know who G. Gordon Liddy was. We finally settled for a retired Reagan-era State Department employee with an enlarged prostate and goatee.

I guess I can’t blame young people, especially single females, for not joining the GOP. If I were to define the two parties in philosophical terms, I’d say Republicans are angry and Democrats are sorry; Republicans are prudent and Democrats are horny. Now granted this is coming from an admitted tax-and-spend-liberal with a portrait of Trent Lott lining his hamster cage. That said, liberals not only dress better, but they seem to have more fun.

I think that is because liberals are more concerned with personal freedom and less with rules and mores. We don’t tell women what to do with their bodies, (OK maybe Bill Clinton did, but he always gave an Oval Office letter opener as compensation) and if you exclude the jailed Rep. Trafficant, we have much better haircuts.

I’m sure there are plenty of charming, female conservatives who are well spoken and funny. There might even be a few in Summit County that we missed. Perhaps this column will ferret them out.

Unfortunately, I can’t offer much in the way of compensation or working conditions. The studio is hot, the coffee is cold and most of the help have jailhouse tattoos. On the other hand, it could be an opportunity for a GOP gal to hang, albeit briefly, with the counter culture. To sweeten the pot, I’d even throw in an old Charlton Heston video and some ski (conservatives don’t snowboard) lessons.

Jeffrey Bergeron, under the alias of “Biff America” can be seen on RSN television, heard on KYSL radio, and read in several mountain publications, including this one. He lives in Breckenridge. He is back after an off-season hiatus.

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