Durst: Resolutions I’m looking forward to in 2015
Usually over the period of 12 months, you get an equal balance of good days and bad. On the playground of the cosmos, the scales tend to balance out. But holey moley catfish, seems like last year the good days spent the bulk of recess time hiding behind the equipment shed next to the monkey bars, and the teeter totter hardly moved what with that fat punk-bad days, grounded on his end of the board throwing rocks at squirrels.
2014 was to years what Boko Haram is to religious tolerance. Think Donald Sterling and Martin Luther King keynote speakers. Utah and jazz. Rob Ford and all you can eat buffets. Oh wait, that does go together. But you catch my drift. 2014 was the year when Facebook offered to freeze employees’ eggs, and everyone responded, “Eeewwww.” That saw Gary Busey made a comeback, and everyone responded, “Eeewwww.”
But this year will be different. You watch. Typically, folks use the changing of the calendar to make plans to change their nefarious ways. Quit smoking. More exercise. Cut down on the bacon maple donuts. Stop killing innocent people. Boring do-gooder stuff, mostly. So they can look in the mirror. What never crosses their mind is you and me. We got to look at them all the time. So, because of that, here are a list of resolutions that should be made by people for the sixth year of the second decade of the 21st century but probably won’t.
Barack Obama vows to never be further than an arm’s length away from his veto pen.
The 114th Congress resolves to supersede the 113th Congress’ successes by accomplishing even less. Or as its known in layman’s terms — absolutely nothing. Say it again.
Scott Brown is hell-bent on establishing residency in some lucky state that desires a good-looking, truck-driving man as its next senator.
The Executive Council that runs Hong Kong will find some way to make umbrellas illegal.
Elizabeth Warren will ask everyone to call her Betty.
Stung by the specter of NFL violence, the CEO of Nike avers the company will never again associate with spoiled overpaid athletes and instead feature school teachers in all its ads. He is immediately fired.
Sony Pictures vows that every single villain in movies released this year will be fictional.
Liberia aspires to become more like Portugal.
Mike Huckabee vows that in this year’s Iowa Straw Poll, he will not be beaten by the straw.
Portugal aspires to become more like Greece.
John Boehner pledges to find a foundation color that reads less pumpkin and more summer squash.
North Korean President Kim Jong Un resolves to put his country’s nuclear bomb production on hold until someone on his team can figure out a delivery system that provides more loft than a yak.
Kim Kardashian makes a concerted effort to get back what she’s really good at. And hopes that it is something other than showing off her butt.
The U.S. State Department vows to stop threatening to bomb Al Qaeda back to the Stone Age, as they seem to prefer the Stone Age. Like threatening to send Tea Partyers back to the ’50s.
Republicans pledge to work out their differences with the hard line partisan hacks on their side of the aisle before yelling at Democrats.
And versa visa.
Will Durst is an award-winning, nationally acclaimed political comic.
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