Funt: News certain to occur in 2018 (column)
Journalists love year-end recaps, but summarizing the odyssey that was 2017 might better be left to late-night comedians. So herewith a Precap of news certain to occur in 2018:
Jan. 1 — President Trump tweets: “Let’s resolve to move forward in the New Year and make the right decisions for our wonderful nation and its beautiful people by finally bringing Crooked Hillary to justice!”
Jan. 5 — Amazon abandons the search for a city to host its second headquarters, opting instead to simply purchase Cleveland.
Jan. 7 — President Trump tweets: “Did Doug Jones really win in Alabama? Let the Electoral College decide!”
Feb. 4 — At the Super Bowl, NFL executives announce plans to prevent head trauma and dizziness among players. The league says team doctors will now issue earplugs when crowd noise exceeds 150 decibels.
Feb. 5 — On Time magazine’s list of “Men Mostly Likely to Avoid Sexual Misconduct Charges,” first place is shared by “Big Bang Theory” star Jim Parsons and the comedian Carrot Top.
Feb. 22 — Kentucky Sen. Rand Paul loses two teeth fighting a customer at Home Depot for “the last container of Ortho Weed B Gon.”
Mar. 2 — President Trump tweets: “Just turned down an Academy Award. Schedule won’t allow me to attend March 4 ceremony in Hollywood.”
Apr. 7 — A select committee co—chaired by Senators Feinstein, Sanders and Warren backs a mandatory retirement age for elected officials. The panel recommends 105.
Apr. 14 — After “an exhaustive search,” Amazon casts Jim Parsons to replace Jeffrey Tambor in the series “Transparent.”
May 23 — White House press secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders clarifies that President Trump’s new ban on importing trophy wives does not apply to persons already living in the U.S.
June 8 — The Boy Scouts of America votes to open its ranks to youngsters whose parents are Democrats.
July 4 — President Trump wishes the nation a “Merry Christmas,” explaining via Twitter that having rescued the phrase from extinction he will now use it on all holidays.
July 10 — The New York Times expands its robust roster of email offerings with “NYT24,” the company’s first hourly newsletter. Times reporters and columnists will analyze tweets posted by colleagues in the previous 60 minutes.
Aug. 1 — Carrot Top is named host of NBC’s “Today” show.
Aug. 27 — United Airlines says its boarding groups will now have names instead of numbers. Group 1 will be “Elite”; Group 2 “Superior”; Group 3 “Mediocre”; Group 4 “Deplorable”; Group 5 “Untouchable.”
Sep. 10 — A dozen employees at Google come forward with claims of sexual harassment by the Google Assistant.
Sep. 19 — President Trump tweets: “Television Academy just notified me I’m a unanimous choice for an Emmy. Not interested!”
Oct. 6 — In the season premiere of “Saturday Night Live,” Kellyanne Conway and Jeff Sessions, both portrayed by Kate McKinnon, plot with Julian Assange (McKinnon) to get dirt on Bernie Sanders, played previously by Larry David but handled this season by Kate McKinnon.
Nov. 7 — Election results show Democrats regaining a majority in the House.
Nov. 8 — President Trump tweets: “Massive voter fraud by Democrats! Let the Electoral College decide!”
Nov. 22 — President Trump pardons two turkeys, one State Department official and three cabinet members.
Nov. 23 — Donald and Melania Trump tweet: “Warmest wishes to our African American friends and neighbors as they celebrate Black Friday.”
Dec. 5 — Refuting @realDonaldTrump, the Nobel Prize committee announces that President Trump will not be receiving an award this year.
Dec. 31 — President Trump tweets: “I invented the term Precap. In 2019 the wall will be built. Fox & Friends will win the Emmy it deserves. I will release data proving that Crooked Hillary did not win the popular vote in 2016!”
Peter Funt is a writer and speaker.
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