Normally, when I jump into a life change of this magnitude, I’ll consult my wife first. This time, however, it all happened so quickly and the process was so simple that I just had to act – and act fast.

It was as easy as entering a Publisher’s Clearinghouse Sweepstakes. All it took was emptying my wallet of $3,500 – far less than the life savings many people blow attempting to lure the prize patrol to their door – and squeezing 65 gullible voters into signing a petition. Suddenly I found myself in contention for the governorship of the great state of California.

Unfortunately for me as both husband and candidate, my wife’s not pleased at what I thought was a great deal of pluck on my part.

Even when I listed all the perks that must go along with the governorship, like free lifetime passes to Disneyland and all the California Merlot you can drink in a four-year term, she was still upset.

She seems to feel that the $3,500 could have been better spent on things like food and housing for our daughter.

Yada, yada, yada. Feeding the homeless and hungry children makes a great campaign slogan but it’s a hindrance when you need money to enter a political race.

My wife also is none too happy with what I find to be the normal reaction of the press to the announcement of my candidacy.

The minute I threw my hat into the ring, Jane Stebbins of Summit Daily News fame started grilling my mother about whether when I was a child I wet my bed. I heard the headline will eventually read: “Gmerek’s mother denies he’s a bed wetter.”

My wife shouldn’t get upset. After all, even though some of the things I’ve done in the past might be labeled illegal or at least morally reprehensible in some parts of Alabama or Louisiana, in California they’re considered just plain wacky.

Besides, unlike Arnold Schwarzenegger, I’ve never been “wacky” enough to have a family member or a good friend linked to the Nazi party. And even though I’ve had the opportunity to gaze upon pornography a few times in the past, out of the substantial Gmerek fortune totaling well over $14, none of it – unlike candidate Larry Flint’s – came from adults frolicking on page or screen.

Yes, I agree with Flint when he says just because he’s a pornographer, that doesn’t necessarily mean he’d be a bad governor. I do, however, feel that Flint would make a bad governor because he’s a disgusting pig.

As for my platform, now that I’m running for governor, I think it will center on keeping Californians in California.

If I can manage to convince Californians to stay put, not only will they boost their own economy by spending money at home, but they will not be around to bother the rest of country with their weird religions, bizarre food and strange fads.

See, vote for me and everybody wins.

In the end, I just thank God one Republican with enough money can convince a state full of voters that are as dumb as rocks to alter the course of history.

How else would I have ever had the chance to become the governor of California from my home in Colorado?

Of course, there is one other benefit to California’s political mess. It gives us Coloradans one more thing to laugh at besides how Californians drive in snow.

Columnist Andrew Gmerek writes a Friday column for the

Summit Daily News. He plans to take time from campaigning to keep writing.