I am aware that I have no hair
“Ahhhhh,” I screamed as my eyes adapted to the bathroom lights.
“No God, it can’t be,” I wailed in shock and horror as I stood before the
mirror, gazing at my appearance. “I’m losing my hair.”
Normally it wouldn’t have been that big of a shock, since my hair has been
thinning since my high school days, but this night was different. I’d let
out my scream because it had been more than a week since anyone had
mentioned my lack of follicles, and I’d forgotten, if only briefly, what was
happening to the top of my head.
I’ve considered myself lucky over the years because I’ve had plenty of family, friends, acquaintances and even complete strangers to remind me, in most cases without provocation, that my hair is going bye-bye. And even though you might think I’d get tired of all the bowling ball jokes, this just isn’t
the case. Once people start making fun of my vanishing hairline, I just laugh
and laugh and laugh.
Just last week, for instance, I was discussing the best pizza places in Summit County with a group of acquaintances when someone changed the
conversation to include my receding hairline. Why they did this escapes me,
but I’ve heard it all before. People have been laughing at my lack of hair
since my high school days.
The first people to notice my thinning hair were two high school friends.
After a party one night, they followed me home and I guess the headlights
from their car exposed my blossoming bald spot. They both had a good laugh
at my expense, which they eventually shared with me for hours of fun. Maybe
that’s why I haven’t seen either of them in 20 years, and when I found out
the girl had gained some serious weight and the guy had become a Born Again
Christian, I knew they got what they deserved.
Over the years, some people’s boldness at my expense has surprised me. I’ve
had strangers laugh, make rude comments and even pat me on the top of my
head. If I remove my hat, I’m apt to get stares similar to if I just pulled
the Mona Lisa out of my pants. All this humor about my hair has made me
wonder if people think bald guys are predisposed to be jolly.
Well, it’s time to set the record straight. I’m not a jolly kind of guy, I’ve never been jolly, I ain’t no Santa Claus, so knock it off. Since I don’t
go up to people and say things like, “Hey big nose, how’s it going?” or “Gee,
you’re kind of cute for having such small breasts,” I think it’s only fair
that people leave my hair alone.
I am, however, finally experiencing some justice in the top-of-the-head
category. Since I’ve had thinning hair for years, I’m comfortable with how I
look and, when it’s not mentioned every day, it doesn’t bother me. But my
friends, those who once had thick heads of luscious hair, are getting older,
and I’ve noticed they are fast climbing into my boat. You can tell they are
not thrilled with the prospect.
Soon they will be watching those hair-loss commercials, the ones showing
beautiful blond women running their fingers through their boyfriend’s hair,
and they’ll be weighing their options. Should I lose my hair and keep my
sexual prowess, or should I use a drug that grows hair but makes me
I hate to say it, but watching them sweat makes me feel gooooooood. It feels
almost as good as if I had long blond hair hanging down in my eyes.
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