Joining the Bush party – just imagine … |

Joining the Bush party – just imagine …

Biff America

It was a sensation of entitlement and security, which brought with it feeling of power and a profound distrust of tofu and Hilary Clinton. On July 12, 2002, I joined the Republican Party.

For my entry into the GOP, you can thank our county coroner. Since I’m convinced that someday I’ll be dead, I wanted say in who will be signing my death certificate. Only two hopefuls are vying for the position, both Republicans. That being the case, if I wanted to vote to choose the man/woman who could possibly be determining what killed me, I had to be a registered Republican. In addition to that, the Democratic and Green primaries looked to be as eventful as Passover in Palestine.

While undergoing my transformation at the Clerk and Recorder’s office, I asked the lady if I was the first Green Party member who had jumped to the Republican side. She assured me that I was; so I got that going for me.

It was tough saying goodbye, if only briefly, to the “Nader party” (contradiction in terms). When I originally joined the Greens, my rationale was, if the air, land and water on this planet become as dirty as John Ashcroft’s mind, life as we know it is over – so what’s the point in America being the boss? Moreover, with the political fence-sitting of the two parties, your choice is a coin toss.

Both groups stand for policies I’m behind, as well as some that make me cringe. For instance, I support the Democrats’ stand on stem cell research. If science prevails, Irish Catholics like myself could someday have rhythm. By the same token, I support Republicans’ “sexual abstinence” program; unfortunately, so does my wife. I consider myself an environmentalist, but I believe in a strong military. A powerful army gives America the option to invade other nations and take their animals when ours become extinct. I am a supporter of pro-choice, but I believe in flogging, as punishment and for recreation. I’ve always felt both parties spend too much time and energy debating the emotional issues – abortion, gun control and whether G.W. Bush now has his pretzels pre-chewed – instead of writing needed laws such as health care and banning the sale of thong bikinis to anyone older than 30. But, whatever my reservations may have been, if I wanted to cast my ballot for coroner, I needed to get off the Green stuff (party) and join the GOP.

I’ll admit I was skeptical. I didn’t think I’d be able to waltz in wearing my Sierra Club T-shirt and an earring and be allowed to join the party of Dick Cheney, but that wasn’t the case. I was welcomed like a sinner at a revival meeting. The fact that I was previously registered Green, not Democrat, seemed to help. It seems the Republicans have a soft spot for the Greens. After all, if it weren’t for Nader, Bush would have lost by an even larger margin. They asked for my vital statistics, Social Security number and favorite Ronald Reagan movie, then signed me up.

My original intention was to join up, vote, wait a couple of weeks, then re-register, but I’m having second thoughts. I’ve always considered myself left-leaning, but now I’m not so sure. Yes, I was a Gore supporter, but did I really like his politics, or am I just sexually attracted to Tipper? Do I respect Nader, or do I just feel sorry for anyone with less charisma than Bill Gates?

I’ve decided to sit tight and wait before I decide. My liberal friends have started to panic like Buddhists at a barbecue, telling me I’ve sold out, been brainwashed and joined the enemy. But I don’t think so. You can’t judge someone until you’ve walked a mile in his or her shoes. I’m giving it my best shot. Unfortunately, my feet seem to be better suited for Birkenstocks than wing-tips and cowboy boots …

Biff America can be seen on RSN television, heard on KOA and KYSL radio, and read in this and other fine newspapers.

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