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Only the women can save us now

I blame the women. I don’t think it is a stretch to say they are largely responsible for all that is wrong with this country at the present time. I am not a misogynist – a woman hater – just the opposite.

I feel, when compared to men, the female gender is generally smarter, almost always more sensitive, usually more reasonable, and (if you exclude my wife) more tidy.

Women are less violent, more rational and constitute only 14 percent of the prison population. Of course, they are not perfect. Most hate “The Three Stooges” and have an obsession with dancing at weddings. They more than make up for that by a willingness to marrying older, less-attractive men and having the patience and education to correct my spelling and punctuation.



With all those attributes, and the fact they make up the majority of the population, you’d think they’d be in charge of the world. It is true that recently they have made some political progress, but there is still a larger percentage of women in prison then in Congress. They have only themselves to blame.

Since women comprise more than 50 percent of the population, if they simply voted for every female who ran for office, we would soon be a matriarchal government.



The dirty little secret is that women don’t vote for women; they vote for the person who they feel is best for the job. This is just another example of what’s wrong with the gender.

We know that many men will not vote for a female whatever her qualifications are – yet many women insist on voting their conscience. That is why our country ranks 43 in the world in the representation of women in elected office.

According to a Gallup poll, 42 percent of Americans, male and female, feel a man is better suited to be president. Those statistics would suggest that a fair amount of the female population is anti-woman.

I’m not saying this because my wife told me to, but if G.W. Bush were female, she’d have better grammar and be less quick to send young Americans to war. If Dick Cheney were a woman – well, she’d be a very unattractive gal. If Saddam Hussein was a woman, she’d do something about that mustache. If we had more females in office, it would be a more peaceful planet.

Each gender has its own particular strengths. Men are stronger, bigger, more violent and willing to have sex while stuck in traffic. Women are kinder, gentler, less prone to brutality and often go their entire lives without ever lighting a fart. Who do you think is more qualified to run the world?

Of course this is all academic because women don’t vote for women. By some misguided combination of fair play, integrity and a lack of confidence, women don’t vote for their own kind.

I’m uneducated, insensitive, likely to bend the law and often callous to feelings of others.

My wife went to a good college, won’t drive even after one glass of wine and cried when our dog got neutered. Despite her qualities and my lack thereof, if it weren’t for those pictures of me taken at a Wesson Oil party in the early 1970s, I’d have 10 times the chance of being elected to public office. Why? Because though I’m often unstable, semi-lazy, slightly kinky and occasionally comatose – I’m a man.

I used to think it would only be a matter of time before cooler heads would prevail. Now, I’m not so sure. What I am convinced of is that the fate of the world’s peace and prosperity is in the delicate hands of the fairer sex. So, I say to the women of the world, the power is yours – please, seize it.

Sure, ruling the planet will not be easy. There are big shoes to fill. But when fear sets in, I’d suggest you look to the words of our own commander and chief spoken in Nashville, Tenn., on Sept. 17, 2002, which I took from the “Bushisms” Web sight.

Our president said, “There’s an old saying in Tennessee (pause) I know it’s in Texas, probably in Tennessee (longer pause) that says, fool me once, shame on (short pause with a stutter) shame on you. Fool me (pause with a grimace) you can’t get fooled again.”

Those are words to live by S

Jeffrey Bergeron, under the alias of “Biff America” can be seen on RSN television, heard on KYSL and KOA radio and read in several mountain publications. He lives in Breckenridge. He can be reached at biffamerica@compuserve.com..


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